My Dear Friend

I have a really close friend. In a way she is imaginary but if you hear the story, you will understand she may be friends with some of you as well. She isn’t a very good person. She has made me fake a smile in front of a crowd and she has made me cry when we were alone. My dear friend. She has built me up and tore me down. I used to believe that maybe, oh maybe, I will be as pretty as the next girl. Only she told me, “no, no, you will never be like them.” Poor me, poor me. I went home and I looked in the mirror and thought about what my friend told me. I was only ten. What was so pretty about ten year old Nia? My dear friend told me, “nothing. You are nothing. You will never be nothing but me, oh me, I will always be your best friend..or something.” My dear friend. My auntie and my granny passed away. 2 years in a row. I just couldn’t live with that. I hid it from everyone but I felt very low. My friend laughed in my face because I barely functioned anymore. She told me, “you must be really stupid if you think you will feel as you ever did before.” My dear friend. I have eventually become so angry. I began to lose my smile. Why couldn’t I smile anymore? My friend told me, “you are no longer allowed to have any friends. I’m your only friend and everyone else will deal.” I had a permanent resting B face and because of this everyone avoided me so I just hid my feels. My dear friend. She caused all of these crazy ideas. I was in the shower, talking to myself. My friend told me, “pick the razor up.” I picked my razor up..hesitantly. “Now, slowly graze it across your skin.” I was about to, but then I thought to myself, “this girl is crazy.” I just cried about the idea that I even had to do such a thing. My dear friend. I am that girl who is oh so broken. Some days I don’t even want to be awoken. Just leave me alone, friend. I can’t take much more. A few more deep cuts and I will have to hit the door.