My Deepest Struggle - The Girl I Love(d)

The first time through, you held me close

Kissed my ear

My forehead

My mouth

You whispered inwardly, that you would never leave

 

The day that it came

Was the day that I broke

I am not who you thought.

 

The day I left, you told me there would never be another

But I left anyway

 

I abused myself

For leaving such a creature

One who would hold strong

Through inhumane trials

Of broken

Bones

Face

Family

Home

Self…

 

I never let myself forget

That beautiful person that I left behind.

Not for another, although that day came as well

Albeit rather too quickly

I had told myself I wasn’t ready with you

So why join with him?

 

Maybe it just felt right

Maybe it was the way that he treated me

Maybe it was just…

Comforting

Having some sort of normality.

 

Time went on, HE helped me

Pushed me to see

Believe

In myself

The woman I knew I was

Whereas you kept your distance

As you should have…

 

The day you came back

Back into my life,

I had missed you so… I merely wanted to say

That I am sorry

I am still

So very sorry…

 

Water under the bridge

You assured me

And I welcomed you back

As an old friend

Into my arms

As a support

Best Just Friends Forever

Right?

 

It was our joke

After all

 

Sort of joke…

Not so much of a joke

 

And so there you were

Back in my life

Waiting

Taking your time

Taking it slow

I trusted you

And you trusted me

 

And time went on

I still loving him

And yet

There you were

That girl I thought I once knew

Never knew

There you were

New.

 

We tried

But we fought

Had just so much to talk about

As we were trying

Re-learning

Discovering

What was really inside.

It was delicate at first

Friendly

 

But then

It went too far

You never breached my trust

Or his

But I know I had

 

I fell

So deeply

In love

With you again

 

For so long I kept it to myself

Why not? Why shouldn’t I?

I still had him

And I still loved him

Love him

Unconditionally

 

Yet here you are

The girl I once knew

Coming back into my life

My mind

New.

 

Occasionally

You left

Told me

That I was the criminal

I had done this after all

Hadn’t I?

Of course I did

 

I always do

 

It’s what I do

 

And you came back

And you left

And there you were again

New.

Each and every time

We tried and tried again

 

And every time

It ended like that

Like this

Like how I am feeling now

The hate

The loneliness

The fear

Of myself

Of you

 

You will never understand

It wasn’t all me

It takes two

It takes two

 

You forced me out into the open

Made me admit this complication

Perplexing disconnection

Between the fantasy in my head

And the reality of yours

 

We are fading

 

You are a candle

You shine so bright

And flicker out

As soon as the breeze rolls around

Ever changing

Ever moving

Untamed

You burn

And I try

To shield you from the wind

Re-light the beauty that I see within

 

I try

Oh I have tried

So many times

 

And yet

It is never enough

Is it?

Because you can’t admit

That it’s not him that you don’t like

Because he is just like me

It IS me.

 

There will never again be this connection

That we have

Had

Once could have made

Together.

We had our fun

And it seems as though you are done

 

Quite right too

 

Because it has always been me

My not lover

I do love you

And I have never once betrayed you

Tainted these lips

And poisoned your mind

With a single lie

 

When you pressed and prodded

I clearly spelled it out to you

I never attempted to deny

And there you went

And used it against me

In my hardest times

The darkest of days

Are still yet to come

But it is closing in

 

The world is collapsing

Can you feel it too?

Here it comes

Again.

Anew.

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