My Filter Makes Me Who I Want To Be

Nowadays people try extraordinarily hard

To “prettify” themselves for strangers

They may be friends online

May even call them friends to their face

But they only know half of them

Because people put filters on themselves

So the question remains,

Who am I without the filter?

I’m a girl who feels she needs a filter

Because she doesn’t fit the mold

I like sports and sparkles equally

I can't ever buy jeans off the rack

It it harder than one thinks to be me

But, believe me, I do not want pity

I want answers

I want healing

I want this pain and struggle to end

Because, for me, the struggle is real

For 3 years now, I have been sick

No one can tell me what it is

No one can help me

I put on a filter of a happy, normal girl

When the way I feel inside, I can’t tell anyone

It’s a constant struggle to be who I was before

I used to get straight As

Now I struggle to make Cs

I work incredibly hard to stay conscious at school

And understand everything

And by the time I get home

I’m so beyond exhausted, no energy to do homework

What gets me through the day?

Hearing people are inspired by me

People know I’m sick, but not to the extent I am

I go to church on Sunday and Wednesday

And hockey games on the weekend with friends

That’s where I get my energy

Christ died on the cross for me

So I can live eternally

This knowledge is so important to me

In a time when I can barely live

I’m simply surviving

This isn’t a life I dreamed of

Next year…

Next year I will be in a new place

With new faces and new leaders

There will be a new routine and new styles

But most importantly 

A new me