my foundation

fear has defined my life

i turned twelve and it was if my entire world flipped upside down

against my will my mother married another man

who seemed perfect until they said “i do”

they always talk about the evil stepmother

but what about the tyrant stepfather?

i don’t like to give him the satisfaction of even saying his name

my mother’s husband

forced me to live in shame, fear, disgust of myself

my thoughts, my wants, my actions

how i dressed, how i talked, how i existed

all forms of self-harm included not standing up for myself

i left for college with my head held low

i stepped through the threshold of my dormitory room

a weight was lifted off my shoulders

there were no eyes or ears here

i no longer choked before i opened my mouth

two years later i am putting in 30 hours a week

at a job that is helping me find my future

i’m going to be a social worker because i don’t want others to feel my pain

i am packing up my closet at my parents’ house

buying shower curtains, sponges, toilet cleaner

driving across town to pay $700 towards my three bedroom apartment

applying for scholarships and making a budget

i have gained the control over my life that i never got to taste

can i support myself? can i continue to protect of myself after my mother refused to?

i have already been through the worst of it

not much hurts me anymore