I hate locking my heart away.
It’s cold, it’s dark, it’s lonely.
My heart feels like it’s never going to be found, never going to be freed, never going to be loved again.
But at least it’s safe, right?
Safety isn’t exciting though.
Safety is only comforting for so long, and then it becomes more of a harm than a help.
My heart screams to be let go.
It knows where it wants to go, who it wants to love, “just let me be free!” it pleads.
But I know better.
I try to remind my heart that when it’s locked away, it’s safe from being broken again.
That’s not true though.
Locked away, it’s just shivering as it sits in past brokenness.
I’m not keeping my heart from the hurt, I’m drowning it in the pain.
So I let it go.
I give in, I let loose the reins, and immediately my heart falls.
It sinks into the love it’s been longing for and it drinks it in.
My heart blindly ignores that it’s been saved from drowning in sorrow, only to drown in a new dangerous sea.
It’s free and it’s diving in fast, unaware of the pain it’s about to receive when it reaches the end of the dive.
My heart’s final surge causes it to suddenly hit the bottom, and it breaks.
It’s drowned in it’s freedom, now it wants to be saved, to be locked back up again.
My heart wants the safety of the lock and key.
So I lock it away.
It wraps itself up in memories and huddles in the corner, asking why it ever left it’s safe haven.
Swearing it will never leave again.
This pain only lasts for so long, then it just becomes a resounding ache of loneliness.
Alone and locked away again, my heart begins to miss the waves it drowned in.
Fully aware of the consequences, it begins to wish for freedom again.
My heart wants to be loved, wants to be wanted, and cared for, and needed by another.
No matter how many times it’s been freed then locked away, it wants to try again.
Every time more aware that it’s going to hurt, but not caring because the dive is worth it.
But is it?
Is the dive worth the ache?
Isn’t it wiser and safer to hide away for awhile?
But my heart isn’t one to believe in wise and safe.
My heart wants to dive, to drown, to break.
My heart loves the ride, my heart loves the dive, my heart loves the pain.