my heart swells

my heart swells. 

swells with joy.

when i sit down to eat dinner.

and i see my parents sit down too right in front of me, 

the sound of the chairs scraping against the worn tiles on the floor 

makes my heart swell with happiness. 

because it is not a rarity to see

my mom

scrolling through facebook on her phone, 

not engaging in any real world conversation. 

and my dad, 

sitting down in the living room 

and watching netflix.

and i. 

sitting alone at the table. 

one chair pulled out and then in. 

eating.

my heart swells. 

swells with sorrow.

when i see my puppy, 

new with life. 

struggling to live. 

heartworms. 

my dad relays the information the doctor solemnly tells him to me. 

heartworms. 

the puppy's stomach swells.

i hate it.

but i can't control it. 

i can't control my tears or the way my heart swells with sadness

as i see my dad bury my puppy, 

comfortingly cradled inside of a navy blue blanket. 

a tree is planted on top of the grave. 

every time i look at the growth, 

my heart swells with sorrow

and i smile a little bit at the melancholic memory. 

my heart swells. 

swells with fury.

the swollen heart filled with anger. 

hurts the most. 

it's an emotion that kills the heart the most. 

swollen so big,

too wide for my own ribcage. 

it threatens to burst out of my body.

the blood splattering onto 

the person i absolutely

despise

hate

right in the moment. 

the swelling gradually disappears.

slow. 

slow.

slowly. 

the swelling in my heart goes away, 

and is transferred to the swelling in my brain. 

stored and locked again as

grudges

locked inside of a jail made out of nerves. 

my brain swells. 

with mistakes. 

it shouldn't swell at all. 

my heart swells. 

from the happiness i feel when i have company, 

when someone is willing to talk to me, 

to enjoy my presence. 

my heart swells. 

the sadness that encases my soul for a lifetime

the immediate tears that are released

for the suffering of others

and the realization of the harm

that i am willing to do 

or perhaps think as a thought 

to myself.

my heart swells.

there are stretch marks on my heart

from the anger that i have felt for others

and myself. 

my heart swells.