My Honey Bee

It all started with a car ride home After your months in the hospital The security blanket of monitors and wires Warming your soul to untold levels of health and love That would allow me to say "That's my baby sister" in the backseat First Easters and first steps First words and first smiles That in the privacy of my room I watch and remember and cry and wish That I could go back to those days Before the sparkle in your eye, the sunshine in your laugh Was replaced with The hate Contempt Depression Affliction That you feel at the hands of others Including our father, Including me. All I want is to undo What I've done, what I've put you through Every time I swaddled you in hate And disgust, hurtful words, and meaningless insults When I should've swaddled you in My happiness, appreciation, rapture Words that showed you That I love you I should've supported you Instead of being the jackhammer to your foundation Drawing pictures in the wet cement Purposely leaving permanent evidence of my presence. Maybe, I should have listened Took the time to find the frequency of this building's materials But I was too busy trying to enter through a hole in the wall that I had made Instead of carefully searching for the door to your soul, that was already there Drilling through the walls of your heart with blades diamond sharp with Degradation, humiliation Comparing my accomplishments to yours, My intelligence to yours, My life, my experiences to yours Never realizing that you're NOT ME. I wanted to help you Protect you Shield you From everything bad in this world. All I achieved was pushing you further Back into the deepest recesses of your soul Turning your hazel eyes black with jade Making you feel lonely, alienated Where your family doesn't feel like a family Taking everything good about you And putting a for sale sign in its yard You can look, but you can't live here And I walk on your earth, now rock hard I put my ear To the ground but I hear No heartbeat only echoes Of his voice, and footsteps as he walks all over you. And two years old, I couldn't realize That 17 year old Me, and 15 year old You, and 18 year old Him, might lead me to say "That's my baby sister" in the backseat Of a '57 Bel Air Because it seems as if He's the only one who gets you As if he's your only love, your life, your air Perhaps you'll realize in time that this is untrue But not before your earth is forever salted At the mercy of his curious hands Exploited for all it worth, dropping bombs His private Manhattan Project Everyone tells me that I have to let you Live your life, Make your own mistakes No matter how much it hurts, Even though, It's hard to let this vicarious life go So go honeybee Go honey, be free Fly where you will I'll be waiting in the hive For you to return home, every time Because I love you My red rose, My felicity, My beautiful honeybee My baby sister.