My How I've Missed You

I can’t believe you’ve done this again.

It’s not about what you or your friends think of you anymore.

Your friends call you ‘fireball,’ you call yourself a hero

And what will the children call you?

A coward? A drunk? A fool?

Go bet the house on the horses and drink and drink and drink.

I can’t do this anymore.

You can’t do this anymore?

Who the hell do you think you are?

Who do I think I am?

Yea. Tell me.

Who do I think I am? Who do you think you are?

You aren’t the same man I married

Who wrote me poems and sat them next to my pillow before the dew of the morning set,

And held me tight and kissed my neck when my father died,

And fell to his knees when I told him I was pregnant with his daughter.

I don’t know your face anymore.

In your eyes I see only cynicism and bitterness and regret.

I don’t see the glossy eyes that stared at me like I was the Madonna.

Your lips are harsh when you kiss my cheek now,

It’s not like it was when we first fell in love. No, not even close.

I search in your eyes for the same love that I know you used to have for me

But you don’t even look at me long enough for me to find it.

I don’t know you anymore.

You don’t know me anymore huh?

Is that the card you’re playing?

Fifteen years of my life wasted and you don’t know me anymore?

Oh well maybe I’ll just leave then.

After all, that’ll be better than having a goddamn stranger live in your house right?

You don’t want an alien sleeping in your bed with you.

I’ll just pack my things and be on my way - I know I’ve been overstaying my welcome for some time now.

No. Stop it. You’re scaring the children.

You don’t have to hide them from this any longer, let them see.

This isn’t working, it hasn’t been for the last decade.

You’re goddamn right it isn’t working.

Oh yea? Then why do you stay?

Why don’t you just divorce me already and we can get on with our lives.

I can’t divorce you.

Sure you can.

See if I care.

I’m obviously not fit to be a husband or a father figure.

I lash out in anger. I can’t hold my liquor.

Get the papers ready, I’ll sign whatever.

I can’t divorce you.

Oh yeah? Why?

Why? Because I love you.

Bullshit. What is love anymore?

Fireworks? Church bells? Pipe organs?

I’ll die a rich man before you convince me you love me -

This tattered man with hardened eyes and dry skin.

You couldn’t love me if you had to.

I do love you.

Why?

Because every time I look at you, I see past the stubble that darkens your face.

I can hear the longing through the harshness in your voice.

I know that same young man is in there who I fell in love with all those years ago -

Your smile, your dimples, your fingertips that fell soft on my face.

The way you could just look at me to tell me it’s was all going to be okay.

I’m not expecting you to be the same person you were fifteen years ago.

I know you’ve changed, we both have.

Marriage is learning how to grow with the changes

And how to not be mad at each other for changing too much.

And how to be there for each other through it all.

I miss the you that was there for me

Because I can’t keep doing this all by my self.

I can’t, I can’t, I can’t -

…

I can’t forgive myself for all the pain I’ve cause you,

And I can’t expect you to forgive me either.

I know I messed up.

But I can change.

I know I can.

I’ve forgotten what it was all for.

But I remember why I fell in love with you.

You’re right, we’ve both changed, but I know I’ve changed for the worse

And you’ve been compensating for me for all these years.

I - I just don’t even know where to start.

I’ve done too much damage to even think I can start mending the heartbreak I’ve caused

...

Just come back to me.

That’s all I ask.

Stop pushing me away.

I love you.

I’m here I promise.

I’m never going to leave you again.

Because I love you.

And I know I would be nothing without you.

...

My how I’ve missed you.