My Life and The Right to Write

I came into the world,

On a September afternoon

To parents who seemed proud

Of all that I could do.

Little did I know

They had problems of their own

I wish that I'd seen then

The symptoms that they’d shown

My daddy used to hit me

He'd lift me off the ground

He'd squeeze his hands around my neck

Until my air ran out.

My momma she would cry

And swear that she would leave

That didn't stop my daddy

He wouldn't leave us be.

I'd hear them argue late at night

I'd hear my momma sob

They thought that I was sleeping

But I heard him eat my mom

She'd wake me in the morning

And send me off to church

But I refused to pray to a god who'd watch my momma hurt.

2 brothers and a sister

I watched him beat them all

I slept with one eye open

My life was one big brawl

When I was almost 8

I lost my two front teeth

He punched me in the face

Til I cried myself to sleep

I was in the fourth grade

When we were first evicted

And that was when I noticed.

My parents were addicted

What I didn't know

Was how my parents met

My dad was my mom's dealer.

She did heroine. He did meth.

When we lost the apartment

We moved into Super 8.

A really small hotel

Next to Nellis air-force base.

Somewhere in this time

My dad got really sick

But the doctors couldn't tell

What there was to fix.

Nearly 3 months later

We moved to budget suites

The neighborhood was crappy

And safety was extinct

For a while we were here

And things were going fine

I thought my luck was changing

I thought it was a sign

Little did I know

It was the calm before the storm

From then on my life would be

Forever changing form

My dad's temper was paper thin

You could always set him off

I lived in constant fear

Of this ticking time bomb

Once while we were there

An ambulance took him away

Doctors couldn't find a problem

But they knew he was not okay

Soon after that

He locked himself inside his room

I rarely ever saw him

Except in a pissed off mood.

I was in the 4th grade

When mom told the school that we were poor

They treated me like a charity case

Which hurt me to my core

I didn't want anyone's help

I thought it was UN-needed

I thought I could handle it on my own

I would not be defeated.

One day after school

At the end of the 4th grade

My mom pulled me out early

Because our rent had not been payed

We were being evicted again

But that wasn't the big news.

My dad had been arrested.

And that left me confused

This had never happened before

But the millionth time's the charm

The lesson that he should have learned?

Don't stab my mom in the arm.

Later on that night

We moved into a shelter

Mom filed for divorce

But I still felt the need to protect her

Dad wasn't gone long

Before a man named Sean appeared

He didn't care about my siblings

He had a personality I feared

He took all my mom's money

One day he up and left

I was glad he was gone

But my mom was quite upset

During this time period

I found a voice of my own
I rebelled against my mom

She never liked my tone

But at the time I didn't care

About what she had to say.

So I tried to prove my point

Three times, I ran away

She chased me all three times

And I always led her to the same place

A place that she knew well

It was her parents' graves

I wanted her to reflect

Upon what her parents would think

She didn't get the message

We both were on the brink

This is when I started to write

I carried a little diary

I wrote down the days event's

And that's where writing began for me.

My dad got out of jail soon.

Sometimes we'd go and see him

One day when we came back.

My life turned even more grim

Mom was kicked out of the shelter

and was nowhere to be found

I didn't know what to do

I couldn't make a sound.

We moved in with my grandma

Who also housed my dad

But that didn't last very long

Because he always ends up mad

My youngest little brother

Had quite the attitude

But he had picked the wrong day

To test his ability to be rude

My dad beat him bad

He left him bruised and cut up

And that was when I decided

I needed to speak up

We were given a social worker

From Vegas CPS

And when I got the chance

I took it to confess

They took us from our dad

Put us in child haven

I hated being in there

I felt like a lone raven

Only 3 days later

My uncle took us in

But us plus his made seven

And that was too much for him

Back to child haven

But this time I had more hope

The people there were kind

Their high spirits helped me cope

In the eight months I was there

My mom had reappeared

But this version was different

Addiction's ugly head was reared

She disappeared again

But my dad constantly came

His visits were always awkward

I knew he hadn't changed

After our eight months

We were put in foster care

With parents named "The Rays"

And the 12 others who also lived there

My mom visited once

In the whole time we were there

My dad came every Sunday

To show the courts he "cared"

While there I almost got arrested

For beating a girl with a brush

They put me in anger management

But it didn't help me much

While there I met a shrink

Who came to talk to me

She named off two things

That she thought were wrong with me

But before we could correct

The diseases that I had

The courts had shipped us off

To live with my "cured" dad

The first years we were back

Really weren't that bad

But when CPS was really gone

My dad's temper came back

Now-a-days it really

Isn't hard for me to see

That all of his life's problems

My dad just blames on me.

I act just like my mom

Something my dad just hates

Which I guess in his eyes meant

I'd taken my mother's place

My mom's back in my life

She's remarried and she's clean

She lives out in Montana

And she means the world to me

A year in with my dad

I got into K.O

The school would change my life

But at the time I didn't know

The first half of seventh grade

Is hard for me to discuss

But that's the time I started to experiment

With alcohol, sex, and drugs

The second half however

Was one of the best times of my life

The times were always crazy,

And everything went right

I started writing poems

It helped me express my feelings

I thought it would be too girly

But it worked better then me cutting

My friends there were accepting

They liked me for who I was

The crazy bisexual comical girl

Who did things just because

Eight grade was kind of a blur

Some friendships didn't last

But graduation helped me realize

That time goes by too fast

Moved on to freshman year

Determined to work hard.

That worked til September

When I was suspended for my "art"

For the rest of freshman year

I partied night and day

My grades were really slipping

So I drank and drugged my problems away

Sophomore year was really hard.

It took a lot of work

I couldn't keep my head above the water

I just kept falling short

I ruined the lives of others

With my drug dealing ways

I watched friends get expelled

Before I changed my ways

Then came junior year

It didn't seem that hard

But the abuse had really escalated

And things went too far

My dad got arrested in march

For beating me senseless

The school called the police

And we moved in with my grandma while I felt helpless

Depression got the best of me

I was still cutting my arms

I'd get really embarrassed

When someone pointed out my cuts and scars

One day I wanted to succeed

The next day I didn't care

I isolated myself

So my emotions couldn't be bared

It got so bad that one night

I tried to take my life

And ended up in the hospital

Where people told me it was "alright"

I knew that they were lying,

But I fought my way through

And made myself a promise that I'd move on

And there was nothing anybody could do

I take care of my family

I do my best and learn

But no matter where I go

I always end up burned

Some people look down on me

Calling me an inappropriate bitch

But that's an exaggeration

I'd have to disagree with

I prefer being called honest

A girl willing to try new things

The kind of girl who lives her life

Uncontrolled by puppet strings

Who cares what people think?

I'll live how I feel best

I'll fight for what ?I believe in

And put life to the test.

Writing down my feelings

Was the only peace I had

It's the only form of expression

That can hold my evil past.

I don't let people read it.

It's the only solitude I have

I bottle my emotions up

And set them free with the pen's jab