My life, What I've realized.

My name is Brittany J Russell Im 25 years old, I want to share my story..                                                                           Its been pretty crazy for me the past eight years, been threw hell, lots of hurt and many tears, lost lots of friends, then gained some too, you find out who your friends are, I realized that saying is true. Met alot of people that turned out to be lames, didnt know nothing bout being in the game. I'd sit back and laugh as they tried to be cool, Ok just stop, you look like a fool. Most get scared and run like a bitch, never fails thers always a snitch, pussy's can't stand on shit, better prey you don't end up in prison, I can promise you wont make it threw it. Fuck around, Get fucked around thats what i always say, I had to learn that lesson the hard way, I've done alot of dope, tolde alot of lie's, did what i had just to get high. My drug of choice is crystel meth, that bitch id crazy have you met her yet? I've seen alot of shit, been let down many time, got really messed up then left in a park at night to die. This can get pretty deep, maybe to intence you wont be able to stay in your seat. This is me telling my story kick back and listen, I promise it won't get boring! Got really sick, had a couple kids, my mom takes care of them cause shit me and there dad did. I've been in and out of jail since I've had them, My girls are amazing, my dream come true, they don't deserve none of the things they've been threw. everytime i talk to Kaylie she says "Mommy I just wanna be with you"! hurts me so bad i cant help to cry. Sick of looking at them saying mommy has to go, All the pain I see on my two little girls face kills me inside. But I got to keep Faith! OK girls look at mommy lets wipe these tears from our face, lets keep staying strong because one day everything will be ok!  Then i kiss them on the nose, tell them ill be back very soon, I LOVE YOU BOTH SO MUCH, dont forget think of mommy when you look at the moon, NO MATTER WHAT I'LL ALWAYS BE WITH BOTH OF YOU! Do you know what its like to have to leave your kids? how much its hurts that I cant take care of them? IM there mother they need me, sometime i feel like my moms tryingto be me. But I keep faith in my heart that everything will be ok, and they will be with there mom again one day. and i dont really care what anyone has to say! At age 17 I lost my fist baby she died in my womb it drove me crazy, heavnly river realynn would be seven soon, hurt so bad I didnt know what to do. Grandma told me Brittany your little angle is in heaven, she was ment to look after you. I remember she hugged me ande said, "I love you Britt, Grandma is always here for you". Here's whats messed up, you know who was not? heavenlys daddy, He left me to rot. Left me alone to deal with the pain, you wouldnt believe the things he put me threw, everyone would always tell me, BRITTANY HE'S TAKING AVANAGE OF YOU! Why didn'[t i listen? Why did I always try, he never really cared, he left me to die. I trusted him with everything in me, he knew what he was doing when he gave me hep c. I cant believe i let him do that i was only seventeen! yea that was pretty low, still wasnt enough though for me to let go. Crazy huh? I continued to stay, showed him my love while he played his game. Caught some charges and went to jail, cover his all when he'd rip off his friends, I gave up everything, I did anything for him. From age seventeen to age twenty two i finally stoop up and said im done with you! YUP he's in prison and i dont give a fuck, he deserve to be there after all thats he's done, he never loved me he just used me, brain washed, lied, and mentally abused me, How low can you get I deserve better. Now its to late, how could we ever be together? He dont seem to get it, won't stop trying, always sending me letter, calling me, crying. Damn Jason you dont get it do you? clean out your ears, Im tired, we're threw! "Brittany just come down and see me"! Jason i want a devorce! BOOGER please don't leave me! Britt imm sorry for everything i put you threw, I promise when i get out I'll make it all up to you! YEA! Find another bitch to tell that line to. I told you to stop your shit. Im finally Awake and Not putting up with it!.. I'll see you when you get out of prison, call me so you can see the girls and we will set up a visit. OK lets see what else could i tell?? OH yea this hurt me like hell. Lets go back to 2011, when my best friend, my buddy, my popa went to heaven! January9th 2011 Grandpa gave up, couldn't take no more pain, stayede strong for to long, JOHN ALLEN SMITH was his name. He was a great guy, always by my side, I remember I would go straight to his room, say hey popa wake up, how are you? he always gave me a look and tried to be grouchy, but i'd get his root beer say I love you then he would turn into a big softy. I miss him so much he was my best friend, I would give anything just to talk to him once again! I see him every now and then, He visits me in my dreams, tells me he's ok and he's looking out for me. Hes my angle that walks beside me. Now about my Grandma she was always there, the only one in my family, who actully cared! My Grandma Shirley my number one friend, i could talk about anything and she always listened. dont get me wrong we would have our silly fights, but no matter what she would always say "I love you Babe dont cry everything will be fine."  Im still not over it, why did she have to die? she was all that I had, its so hard to say good bye! she had cancer, and if she would have told us we could have had a plan for her. she kept it to her self since 2011, past in 2014, no one knew nothing! I was so mad at her, she left me alone. NO one to talk to, my mom dont pick up the phone. Grandma never judged me, she stood by my side, Didnt matter what i'd do. she really loved me. i miss her voice and the storys she would tell. she was a strong loving women, who always had faith. The last time I talked to her was July 10. when i found out, not knowing it would our last conversation, "Brittany I Love you calm down babe, im fine, How bout you are you behave?" Yes Grandma im doing fine, worried about you, then i started to cry, "In a couple days im goingt to start kemo We're going to try that and see how it goes." Grandma i love you, you have to get threw this! I know how strong you are, I know you can do this! "OK babe I'll talk to you later, call me back tonight i might be feeling better." OK Grandma ill talk to you soon, you will get threw this, I've got faith in you! Its crazy how i remember that call everything we said then that was all! July 19 i hated that day all i did was constently prey, begging God not to take you away. I walked in your room and started to cry, stayed close by you talked to you all night! kissed you on the fore head and said this is not good bye ill always remember everything about you, pass on you stories, my memories of you will keep you aliveMy ! I was very lucky to have the grandparents i had! wish i could have figured myself out about 4 years ago, know what i know now. do you think they seen who ive become? do you think they would be proud?                

 You live and you Learn, do you believe that is true? i can tell you this much, i know that i do! but here's the thing, ONLY IF YOU WANT TO! lets think back to when we were kids, i remember just wanting to be heard, be part of my dad instead of nothing! so heres what im going to do, tell you what i think, being a parent is a very scary thing, knowing that your little one's life depends on you! it dosnt matter what you do that child will look up to you, anyways here's what im trying to say my parents never listened i was to be seen and not heard. they would never talk to me so i never understood, i depended on them to guide me threw life but instead my dad never wanted to  deal with us he would just push us to the side. i didnt get it, I always ask myself what did i do, i never understood why i wasnt good enough for you! i was a child i looked up to you, its not my fault what you went threw. i dont blame them for everything ive been threw i know right from wrong, i know what not to do! but i am going to say this and this is the truth mom, dad you both were wrong for letting me chase after you. no child should ever feel the pain that i did, be left in the dark make them wonder all the time what they did, took drugs and prison to figure myself out, pretty messed up i had to go that route! but you know what I stand proud yea im a felon and done every drug around! but guess what i wouldnt be who i am now, took 24 years for me to figure things out. my point is everyone needs to be heard, i know i did and you know what i still dont get it from them! but i know who i am and ive moved on its still not my job to chase them or be what they want.its crazy just a lil communication can make a childs life, how else will they learn? how will they know what wrong or right? i bet i know what your thinking, what do you know about kids? do you remember the beging the part where i said my mom takes care of them? yea go ahead and judge, assume and think what u want cause your bout to get shot down. bet you think i lost them, and the state took them away. Not a chance in hell I can go get them anyday! never lost no rights, i never walked away, they've never been around drugs or my crazy world, i could never do that to them beautiful little girls, they are where they are because they deserve the world something i cant give them right now but its not about me its always been about those girls! ill get it together ill be with my girls again still got somethings to work on before i can guide them. trust and believe i wont give up ill fight and ill fight right now im just trying to figure out life.