I can’t deny this:
You make life hard for me.
Each morning when I wake up
It feels as if the world is sitting on my shoulders.
I struggle to stand under the weight
Much less go out into the world and attempt to be a person.
Sometimes, I find it is too hard to bear
and I stay curled up underneath warm blankets
hoping that if I lie down for a bit
You will give up and go away.
At night when I go to sleep
It feels as if you have turned into weeds
growing from my lungs into my throat
Making it hard to breathe.
Cutting you out is impossible
Trust me, I know, I’ve tried.
Some nights, I ponder if waking up is worth it.
However, I also can’t deny this:
Without you, I would not be the person I am today.
I would not have discovered countless tracks of music
As I listened, trying to feel like a person again.
I would not have immersed myself in practicing a musical instrument
A skill that has led me to awards throughout the last five years.
I would not have found the writing
Both a valuable skill and a way to deal.
I would have never found what I love
and what I am the best at.
Because of you, I learned that there are good days
and there are bad
and that you can creep into my life at unexpected points
but there are people who will hold me and calm me
until you decide to leave.
I found the people I can trust for the remainder of my life.
You turned my normal black and white life
Into a full spectrum of color
One more vivid than a rainbow.
You are a wild roller coaster
One that I can’t seem to get off
But also one, if given the chance to get off,
I don’t think I would.
So in a sense,
You are a major bitch.
I think that at many points
I would be happier without you.
But what I know for certain
is that I would live a drab, colorless life without you.
I need you to be the person I am today.
I would not exist without you.