To My Mother

Everything fades away.

Even your mind, soul and spirit

And when your heart beat seems non-existent

And you’ve got no one to turn to

And you feel like life isn’t worth the fight

You lie through the night,

Staring at walls, forgetting how it was when you fell this far

And forgetting everything in life that brought you this far

Too many trips to the bar brought nothing but more of the same feeling.

You’ve been dealing with the same thing for over 11 years.

Bottled it all up and kept it inside, concealing everything that ever made you shed a tear

And you’ve waited way too many years to reveal what has actually happened.

You can remember every time he snapped and

Not one time over the past decade do I remember you laughing.

Every single time I remember him snapping. Slapping whatever he could wrap his hands around.

Even your children, as you just watched. You sat in the background.

Our home was his battle ground

Round after round like a merry-go-round we went.

There wasn’t one month you ever went without an argument.

Not one time did I ever feel his presence was convenient.

Not one time did I ever look at him like a father figure

Matter of fact, if any man knew what that man was up to, it would make any father figure.

What was this man trying to deliver every time he pulled that trigger?

If it was love, he failed miserably. As bullets went straight into my chest

My opinion mom? he’s a pest. My life since the day he came into it has been far from blessed.

And I hate that man, and I hate whatever it was that he tried to be.

It’s been a year or two since he’s been gone and I still haven’t heard an apology.

Honestly. I should’ve told CPS the truth, that my life was a living hell. And even though you fell from this,

I fell further than you.

It has impacted me far more than it did you, yet I still find ways to cope instead of nicotine straws.

But as I pause and take a moment and realize what it has created me to be, I couldn’t thank you anymore for what you have done for me.

Because my life has just begun,

And as I reflect on my past, and realize that the memories will never pass, I will always remember who raised me…

And the funny thing is, it wasn’t you, it was me.