My Number One

What to do when you can't stop thinking about the one person you can't think about. The thoughts going through my head are dirty and yet so clean and pure. The are not foreign but in the same sense as distant as ever. I can't get him out of my mind! He touches me, a squeeze of the hand, a brush of the shoulder and I feel it in my bones. My mind goes to the bedroom. Just from a touch! He isn't what I thought would fuel me and yet my temperature spikes around him. He makes me laugh and feel and happy. Above all happy. I don't want to mess it up. What if he doesn't feel the same way to? What happens if I stop liking him after two months? Will I loose a lifetime of laughs? Of happiness? Of company? What if the chemistry isn't right? My head is spinning around and around. I need it to get off the merry go round and think for my body. If I'm not careful, one of these days my body is going to react and I won't be able to stop. Maybe I can't help it now. Since I've already thought on it. Already felt it. Is it now inevitable? If it is inevitable will I be able to handle he consequences? Could I loose him? For a whim? For a reaction? For a response? Curse this body of mine. How will I ever know the difference in what I feel physically and emotionally. Curse this hormonal, teenage body in which I can't even control my mind, my body or my heart. I never pictured myself as one set on control, but in it's absence I mourn. I want to stop feeling and thinking of him. He needs to stay my best friend. My number one. Isn't that enough? I guess not. But if that isn't, then will anything be enough? Am I wired for failure? I may never answer the questions I write or even read them again, but in this moment of exhaustion and confusion all I can know is that I want him at my side. I want him to hold me and keep me warm. I want him to lay next to me and kiss me. Isn't that enough?