My Pencil
Dear Uncle Riki,
Only when it’s black as dark as the past can sometimes be
Until the lead cracks and bark burns when we will finally see
Words left behind that act as marks of your memory
Answer back, I may not last, please come back to me
It’s funny because if you did I wouldn’t even recognize your face
Would you hate me for that, love me, cry, or call me a disgrace
Erase my name from your mind, a mistake turned into white space
Redraw me to your liking, erase me again, until I don’t resemble my dad’s base
Because you were more than just my dad’s best friend, he had even given you the grace
To be my uncle and my godfather, that was your intended place
But I don’t even remember you
Because I was only a young boy and the timing wasn’t right
But mom said you would have bought me all the toys and been my shining knight
But you died, before I could even write
My name and it was premature, it was like you didn’t even try to fight
The pain, and I’m mature enough now to know it probably wasn’t light
But god freaking damnit I wish you could have gotten right
Excuse my language but I’m not going to lie
What you did was extremely fucked up and really dry
You know you made my daddy fucking cry
And it makes me so angry how I look at that picture of you and the guys
All the time and still don’t know which one you are
You know the one where you’re all at some paradise in Mexico, sitting at a bar
How you’re so close to me in the picture frame yet so far
Isn’t that weird that I don’t recognize my own godfather
Thinking about you uncle is a hard thing to try
I try to grip the concept like my pencil, like how I write
Cus I write now uncle, I want to be an author in this life
I’m also setting off for college soon on one of these nights
I wish you could have been there for my first date because I heard you were pretty cool
I wish you could have seen me when I walked the stage and graduated from school
I wish you could have given me talks about how the world is cruel
So I didn’t have to learn from mean kids who treated me like a tool
I wish you were around because it would have been nice having a second dad
It would have been nice to know someone who knew how to deal with being sad
Because Uncle sometimes all I want is to fly away
Like you once did during that lonely day in May
But I won’t because you helped pave the way
To show me what not to do when the sky is looking gray
But I don’t hold it against you
Because you ultimately made me a stronger in a different kind of way
And finally I want you to know that dad still talks about you almost every day
Sometimes Uncle I wonder why you chose to die
Why you left your own mother and made her cry
But I understand now sometimes we succumb to vice
Sometimes our erasers grind down and lead snaps even when it looks sharp and right
And though I don’t entirely agree with your actions
I still like to imagine you as my strong shining knight
And just know I’ll love you forever until my faction with life too arrives
When the day comes when all of this doesn’t bite
And I actually get to recognize your face Uncle when we meet in paradise.
Spencer