To My Sapphic Non-Lover

Dear Catty,

Sometimes I'm still scared

Terrified

Horified

I don't remember because I repressed all the memories, here is what I remember.

I google emotional abuse and it's all familiar, let's go through it.

Yes, you subjected me to treatment that resulted in chronic anxiety, depression, and post traumatic stress.

I had nightmares about you

Whenever I closed my eyesI'd see your eyes inches away from mine

and I'd have a panic attack

I'd feel like I was falling,

plummeting,

because of your eyes inches away from mine

I had nightmares where you yelled at me and cried in front of me

Yes you intimidated and isolated me,

Yes you exercised control over me,

I had no friends

They all believed you,

and you lied to them,

I didn't lead you on,

We weren't in love,

You wanted me so you trapped me so that I had to love you or else,

If I didn't, you'd cry and blame me and be so angry

Text our friends lies so I would be alone.

But it was okay, whenever I was ready to act like nothing was wrong, nothing would be wrong,

We'd have nice conversations,

But then if I messed up or didn't want to be around you or didn't

respond how you wanted me to,

you would get angry and text your friends,

show me how beautiful you were.

I'd never be as beautiful without you. 

I briaded your hair,

you hugged me,

held my hand--

Studies say mutual abuse is a myth

You told me it was my fault,

and then you said it was because you went off your medication,

Then you told me not to treat anyone like I treated you,

Then it happened because you had bipolar.

I was so nervous around you

So nervous I'd sweat and stutter and be silent around you

I had to be careful,

always watch what I said,

Make sure I didn't make you upset,

make sure I wasn't jealous when you asked for my ex's number,

because when I freaked out that the girl I had a crush on wanted my ex-boyfriend's number,

I was being ridiculous and crazy and mean

and she got our friend to tell me too. 

I was terrified to disagree with you,

You would tear me down, 

Never wanted to be alone, 

Always wanted to be with me, 

Always texting me,

Always asking where I was,

Why wasn't I with you, 

I had to block you when I went out with my friends once,

you told me if we just dated, you wouldn't be like that,

Your jealousy stopped me from seeing my friends, because I had to see you first,

You made me feel like I was wrong, 

Like it was my fault,

Not yours,

YOU were the one up every night crying because I wouldn't be your girlfriend,

Not me, 

I was wrong,

I was inadequate,

All because you were in love with me,

Always.

 

I'm trying to imagine a reality in which it wasn't my fault, 

Because everything I read tells me it wasn't,

It was a choice, 

and not because you loved me,

Regardless of the mantras you drilled into me for months.

 

Love does not equal abuse, I have learned. 

 

All my love, all the love I have wasted in Stockholm over you,

Skyler 

This poem is about: 
Me

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