My Story

 

I would slit my wrists, call it quits, and pray that I might die... And after every time I share my testimony, someone always has to ask, "Why?"

 

My answer is usually simple, so that everyone can understand... That I had been going through the motions and all I wanted was a friend.

 

Little did I know that I wasn't alone in this horrible fight. God was there with me and He held me every single night.

 

It took me five months to realize this, when I had pills as my only other option. I couldn't take the pain any longer and on my heart in big, bold letters was the word stamped, "CAUTION."

 

For I felt as if no one could love me and I would never dare to let them in... The last thing I needed was for someone to judge me by my large heap of sin.

 

But I had forgotten all too easily that God's love is unconditional. Yes, I went to church every week but that became oddly traditional.

 

As if attending church on Sunday morning would make my broken heart heal faster... I would sing the correct pitches and then tune out the pastor.

 

But when those large, blue pills were in shaky, sweaty palms... The last thing I could think about were the meaning of the words in the psalms.

 

So as I cried out, "God, where are You? Do You even exist?" Jesus Christ told me this.

 

"Don't worry, I'm here. Put down the pills and come to Me, my dear."

 

No, I didn't audibly hear Him say that to me, but His presence was indeed felt. In that moment of my life, I had a real conversation with my Savior and it brought me to my knees, I knelt.

 

Because the definition of conversation is an informal talk involving two people... This requires both talking and listening, but the only occasion I would ever stop and listen was when my preacher was preaching at the steeple.

 

For years I had claimed myself a believer but never actually believed. I thought that since I grew up in church and prayed "the prayer" at an early age, I was a believer, but boy was my mind deceived.

 

Because how can you believe in someone you don't have a relationship with?

 

How can you believe in someone you've never had a conversation with? How can you believe in someone, even if you already know they exist?

 

Because existing means to have actual being, while believing means to have confidence in. Don't tell me you have confidence in someone you've never told a secret to or trusted enough to share with them your most shameful sin.

 

On the same night I yearned to take my own life... For the first time, I listened to Jesus Christ.

 

I now have a relationship with Him and I know where I'll be going when I do happen to die. To Heaven, I will fly.

 

But more importantly, I'm concerned about you. If you're struggling the way I once was, I'm telling you that through Christ, you can be made new.

 

Don't think that He doesn't love you because He loves you with all He is. Don't think that you're unforgivable because God forgives all of us from our sins.

 

Don't think that you deserve the blade you're running across your skin... Because God overlooks your scars and sees the true potential within.

 

Don't think that the only way out of this is through pills, or bleach, or a rope... Because if you let God, He will give you hope.

 

And so as I wrap things up, last me add one last thing... "If you're tired from carrying heavy burdens, come to Me and I will give you rest," said the One True King.