My Testimony

Testimony

In I Timothy 1:15

Paul said it perfectly, “I am the worst of these”

because I am the lost sheep you chase.

And not a day went by when I didn’t doubt you.

when I didn’t upset you.

when you didn’t love me.

But I let my emotions get the best of me

and I question my confidence in your handwritten book.

            (I often feel like I’m just talking to the ceiling.)

And I’m so scared.

That I’ll get scared and

nail you right back up on that forsaken cross.

But then you spoke of my pain and hardships

and my kaleidoscope heart

and you called it perfection.

It was your footsteps in the sand, not mine.

You held me close during my wandering and downfall

cradling my head in the nape of your neck

            as if holding your beloved child.

You carry me on a silver platter

as I drag you across the dirt

and I cringe from the realization of my naivety.

How could I be so blind to miss a love like yours?

So I pray you never fade and I pray you forgive me

for criticizing the beauty you create with your bare hands.

I pray every day for power in my prayers

and I hope that my heart will find you

because you are not meant to be kept in private.

You planted a fire in my ribcage

that spreads to my fingertips and infects everyone I touch

leaving your fingerprints from grasping oh so tightly

on the brokenhearted and abandoned as you whisper

“I feel every single thing you feel

and I promise that your calloused heart will beat steady.”

So I am not going to limit my God with my uncertainty

because he is the god who moves mountains

and he is the blood that provides the air that I breathe and

he is the blood in my veins.

So I will pray for a heart like David’s

and I will stand with my feet planted

against the waves of skepticism and mockery

because I am a beloved mustard seed

and my love for my god will grow seventy times seven fold.