My Thoughts Speak

I don't sleep at night,I barely close my eyes. Pa' thinks I'm on drugs. Blame it on Uncle Konyagi who spotted me at the bar where I went to watch the start of Uefa knock-out stages.

Ma' thinks I stay up watching. It ain't like I got a better explanation to give for waking up at noon. Brother thinks I'm up sexting. He's nasty. Sister doesn't even care. She way busy for such. But I'm up thinking. There's no way they'd buy that shit. I think,think,think and think,until thinking is not just thinking anymore,I feel,I hear. I live. My brain to me,at night,is the most unaccountable of machinery-always humming,buzzing,soaring and roaring…until i'm buried. I love the night. I love darkness. I love the sound of the crickets. I love the way it's quiet,for me to hear my own thoughts; For me to live my own thoughts. It's easy. I think,think again and finally I think harder and baam! thoughts become voices. Many but one. Sometimes I feel good,sometimes I don't. Sometimes the voice is soothing and calm,sometimes it's thunder. Sometimes I converse with it,sometimes it's too loud for my voice. Sometimes I just want to stay and listen to it,sometimes I want to run. Sometimes I want it to live,sometimes I just want it dead. Sometimes it gives birth to me,not only if it kills me first. I like it more when it sings,for it's voice is all the colors in one at full brightness. The voice poses questions,answers questions,swears,wishes ,builds,destroys,loves,hate,remembers,forget,laughs and cries,bleeds and just like human beings have breaking points,it breaks, the voice dies. What if I die,will they weep,will they break,will they post RIP statuses on my timeline and move on so fast like it never happened? You're an option to her,she's never loved you. She's using you.She's… I hate the government, "people killing,people dying, children hurting,hear em' crying, can you practice what you preach.." I wish I was the wind,fly over the sea and land,free. I wish I was rain,bring back life where there's none,count. I wish I was the sun,give light and shine bright,dominate. I wish I was darkness,creep,blind everyone,destroy. I killed my father for not being rich, I killed my mother for not letting me be, I killed my brother for being hard on me, I let my sister live because I'm afraid of being alone. I love God, "Lord I've been broken,Although I'm not worthy, You fixed me,now I'm blinded,by your grace, You came and set me free…" I love my Mom,she thinks I'm just torn when there's no piece left of me. I love my Dad,He believes in me and sees the good in me where there's none. I love my brother,He loves me too. I love my sister,she lets me make my own choices. I hate myself for not loving myself. I hate my heart for not being strong enough. I hate my legs for always running back only to get hurt I hate my mind for having such thoughts. I hate truth. I hate my grips and addictions. I hate my own kind for who they are. I hate cancer. I remember she said," T'was us against the world" I remember the first day we met. I remember when she found out I was cheating. I remember I promised not to hurt her. I remember my bestfriend died of cancer. I remember this are just but thoughts,of things that actually happened. I have the tendency to feel things,some that should not be felt, Like…. "She's online but she's not texting me. "She viewed my status a minute ago but has not replied a text i sent an hour ago "She texts me when she's bored. "She's dating. I detach from my own thoughts, We are now just sailors on the same sea but different boats, characters on the same book but different pages. ….And so past the breaking point,It breaks, ….It bleeds,manages to heal from some but some wounds remain fresh.… It senses death. Summons the other voices.. It finally dies. The next day,I think and think and think again, and I think harder…. @PoetP