My Transformation

this is my transformation 

let’s start at the beginning 

1

i fell for her

her sweet lies  

sweet like cherry blossom trees

the prettiest pink in the entire world 

her comforting voice 

she eased the pain inside of me 

i fell so hard for her that i landed on all fours 

to the ground 

and later i found that she was the one who pushed me 

shoved me down

and there i lay

2

pushed me underneath bodies 

pressure swelled up inside of me

pressure that i did not want to feel 

i didn’t ask for this, this wasn’t my desire

wasn’t my longing 

3

she pushed me

pushed my fingers down my throat 

further and further 

and then 

all i saw was scattered water 

water pouring from the shower

helping to move the left overs down underneath, rushing past the drain, through the pipes

it all left me, left my body 

suffocating my mind, she sweetly whispered me incentives each time she began to lose her grip over me 

i could hear her next to me 

telling me i didn’t need it, didn’t deserve it

she handed me gum and water instead to fill my emptiness 

4

The times i passed out in the shower just to please her 

The visits to cold hospital rooms just to convince her that it was real 

in the process of proving my loyalty to her, she was slowly killing me

she took my light heart and my happiness 

yet still

i had echoed laughter and i held onto myself

still had ownership of my soul 

but suddenly dizziness and soar throats was all i began to know 

the familiar feeling of headache and a broken perspective on love that still ached

5

so she continued to push

pushed me, wanted to see me break

reaching my limit

i counted to 10

you see, it helped ease the anxiety 

but still 

pieces of me layed 

scattered on the floor 

all for her 

and there i was, counting the pieces of my heart that had dropped 

6

almost every single part of me was lost 

one night she started to walk away and that is when 

i began to fight for control over myself 

but she returned holding onto me with tight arms and soft hands

pushing me in front of mirrors 

forcing me to develop disgust towards the reflected image 

i hated the girl staring back at me 

pushing me onto the scale 

numbers so deeply engraved into my brain 

the calories i ate 

the amount of shots i drank 

the consecutive days i spent hollow surviving on an empty stomach 

7

the miles i ran 

8

the count of pills i forced myself to take 

9

the loss of energy i craved to gain 

you see, i forced it out 

all that was left on my tongue was her lies

my mouth full of backwashed insecurities 

a terrible aftertaste 

but suddenly 

in this present moment

ive realized, that this isn’t love if shes in complete control

and now 

all i see, is light 

and i am still alive 

just barely 

and this 

this is a choice 

this is my choice 

this time, i get to choose 

and for the first time, the darkness is gone, just a faint shadow left

and scars that will stay

but

i don’t want her

i don’t need her 

i am more than that 

she doesn’t deserve to take over this body

she doesn’t deserve to have control over my heart 

and now i can finally say

10

she never did