Myself

Somewhere along the lines of about two years ago, someone who used to be dear to me told me, “you’re made for things bigger than this.” I thought she was right. I thought that I was made for things only the extraordinary get to indulge in. I thought I was going to be big. I was wrong. I’m not. My journey has only begun, and I already know that I am merely a notch on a bedpost, a grain of sand on a beach, an unextraordinary shell of a human living in this world. I won’t make a difference, I won’t solve anything, I’ll just be here, mindlessly, until I die, because that’s all we do isn’t it? We live, then we die. 

I never used to be so pessimistic. The world took a cheery, curly headed fat girl and made her into an average slave of society. When I was five, I wanted to have children, I wanted a family, but now, I can’t imagine bringing a child into a world so cold and unforgiving. I want to love, but I can’t love when I don’t know how. I know how to hurt, and I know how to drown thoughts of hope with something stronger. Pain became my best friend  when the world got to be too much, he was there with a warm smile, and outstretched arms and I embraced him, like I’ve embraced so many men before. Pain took my virtue and I let him, and he has never left my side since the day I let him claim me as his own.

         There’s so many colorful thoughts that run through my head, but by the time they reach my lips, they turn to the color of ash and fall from my conscious like leaves on a windy autumn day. Rain seems to wash away the ash, but I don’t know if it’s rain or my tears, because pain tells me no difference. My lungs catch the remains of my thoughts and I choke. I cough until the dull lifeless words are gone, dispersed into the lifeless air, so they are what people want them to be. I never used to be so pessimistic but the world broke me and turned me into something I don’t want to be. Now I sit and wait for the day that pain leaves me as well, because everyone always does, and all that will be left is a numb, lifeless shell. Oh how I wait for the day.