Myself Again

Hopeless

Hopeless is how I felt.

In counseling with tears streaming down my face and no regard,

For my makeup smearing revealing I had lost any sense of grace.

Vulnerable

Vulnerable is how I felt.

I felt like I had lost myself,

My insecurity was on a shelf,

And everyone could see it.

My Mother

My Father

My Sisters

My Brother

Guilty

Guilty is how I felt.

The “How are you today”?

The “Are you ok”?  

The fear I saw in my mother eyes,

As she knew I could barely survive,

And all the money she spent,

The ways she had bent,

She never realized how much it meant.

My Therapist

My Teachers

My Friends

My Partner

Useless

God the uselessness I felt,

I couldn't stop crying,

I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat,

I felt like I was already dying,

and I did-

each time I thought about my past

and the secrets that couldn't last.

I was gone for weeks on end

End

I wanted it to end.

I was sick of the uncertainty,

The doubt and the dread,

Wishing that was dead,

The vicious mockery occurring inside my head.

Hope

I felt hope- for once.

I'm not sure how or when.

But it happened,

So instead,

I screamed,

I cried,

I laughed,

Then sighed, when I realized that there was time

To feel better, to be better again.

My Dog

My Writing

My Art

My Friends

Myself

Happy

I feel happy

It took 6 months of vulnerability,

4 months of dread,

2 months of guilt ,

And one day of hope.

But I’m happy.

I’m myself again.