nails

when i was 14

i got my first job

and i made a quarter over minimum wage

$7.50 an hour

i worked 4 hours a week

4 times a month

i made $120 a month

i felt like warren buffett

i used to love fake nails

sns, gel, the works

at the nails place in my neighborhood

it cost $50 in total 

for nails that lasted 2 weeks

when i got my job, i realized i could get nails continuously

the first time i got fake nails and then had them removed

my nails were as fragile as my confidence

but i continued to put them on

it was what all the girls at my school did

my school

92% white

i was brown

it’s sad

how desperate i was 

to fit in

to feel like i belonged

when i was a sophomore, i played softball

i could no longer get fake nails

i wouldn’t be able to play with them

for 12 weeks, i had natural nails

at some point, i prioritized school

and i simply didn’t have enough time for nails or a full face of

foundation

concealer

highlight

blush

eye shadow

lipstick

and mascara

one day

I looked at myself in the mirror

I was bare

yet 

I felt like myself

never dolled up unless I wanted to

never wrecking my nails unless I wanted to

never doing anything

unless I wanted to

this was it 

the moment I realized

maturity

is accepting yourself

when I look back at that time in my life

I realize how insecure I was

now

I am my own person

but I wasn’t always 

now

I dance when I hear Indian music

I bring Indian food to school

I post pictures on Instagram of my Indian wedding outfits

I have an “I love India” keychain on my keys

I am myself

and I am proud

that I am able to do what I want 

without caring 

if I stand out

I will stand out

and I will love myself all the while