Even after years of salvation, I am stained with chains and marks of a past life full of time well served. Even after sufficient treatment, I can still feel the burns. Even after surrender, I catch myself preparing for a battle inside of my own skin, almost everyday. The healing process is moving along slowly, but it is still moving.. I think. Even after grieving for the laughter I used to produce within my own vocal cords, I find a way to expose my teeth and not bring anyone else down. Even after months of consistent eating and sleeping, I am still finding myself unable to swallow down guilt from years ago, in the middle of night. Even though my thoughts are still my thoughts, they have become my predator and I have become their prime meat of deception. Even though I have been waiting my whole life for these present events to occur, I hesitate to breathe out in relief. I hesitate to believe that my life has finally gained its chance to begin. Even though, I have been competing for 18 years, I refuse to grant myself one win. Even though, I have construed myself in the most violent shade of consent and spiritual magnitude, I have never been more dull in my own self attributes. Even though I have always sufficed with minor hunger and a controlled appetite, I am no longer sure if I bring anything to the table at all. Even though I am forgiven, I have stowed away every past mistake in the back of my throat and I feel like I’m getting closer to not breathing, again. Even though I am always told otherwise, I really don’t have a lot of friends. They are all just condensed acquaintances who really only reach out when they are without balance in their own lives. Even though I have come to know my qualities pretty well, my flaws still put me in my place, every time. Even though my mind restrains me up against the wall in a state of arrest, I cannot abide to the influence of crime. Even though I have been unaware of self preserving techniques and nourishment , I promise I do not wish to die. Even though life has left me malnourished and has cut away at my mental stability, I ache for it. I long a life full of living, not only near existing.