Never A Mother

It is his fourth birthday today

He loves rocket ships and has traveled to the moon and back in his dreams

He has blue eyes like the ocean waves lapping at the shoreline

He loves eating his macaroni and cheese with barbecue sauce

And the grape kool-aid is his favorite

He has the most beautiful smile that brightens up my day

He loved me

I remember the day I went to the hospital, I never even stopped to hear his heartbeat

I remember my husband looking through the glass window

I remember the doctors grappling the scalpel and holding me down

I remember the liquid from the syringe piercing through my skin

I remember I woke up

I remember feeling empty

I remember trying to listen to its heartbeat

But it was gone

I keep forgetting it never happened

I never became a mother

I loved him

But now it’s too late