But Never the Truth

As a young girl I was told to stay away from boys. “They’re more trouble than they’re worth,” the older girls would say, Glancing to the side with disgust at an ex who they regretted. Of course I never noticed that. As a young girl I couldn’t help being flirtatious, And easily wooed as I was, I fell for every boy, Right on my porcelain face, Getting dirt in my wide, innocent eyes, Skewing my vision and creating an infinite flow of tears. As a young girl I had my heart broken more times than I can count on one hand, And after the scars started overlapping, After my heart became mangled beyond recognition, I gave up. And of course (as fate would have it) you showed up the moment I decided I was done. You reached your hand out, stroked my cheek, told me I was different, And I believed you. You held my hand, laughed with me about the Inferior intelligences that surrounded us on all sides, kissed me when I was happy, kissed me when I was sad, and kissed me when I felt all the emotions in between. One night you held me and said the sweetest things. We laughed and cried, But I remember under that infinite sky in all its boundlessness I felt like a giant in your arms, And when you said you believed in me, I said I loved you And I meant it. I meant it. For a moment everything seemed perfect. For a moment, I thought you were perfect. And in a moment, things began to change (as things usually do). No more texts, no more calls, no more dates. Out of the decency of my heart I concerned myself with you, Because you were my world And I loved you. I thought I loved you. The unspoken tension rose like the waves that washed away The house of a foolish man, A man foolish enough to build his foundation on unpredictable sand, Sand that moves with the wind and shakes with the earth and never remains. I should’ve known not to build my foundation on the sand. And when you said, “I still care, Things are hard right now but I still love you, I still love you,” Of course I believed you. Your words were my gospel truth, And I wanted them to always be gospel truth. But unlike real gospel truth, Your words were meaningless, Sweet nothings that you told me, Underestimating my intelligence and wisdom, You told me that you said those things because It was what you thought I wanted to hear. You thought you were protecting me. Did you ever think that maybe, All I ever wanted was the truth? As soon as those words left your mouth, (And may you forever regret those words, May you forever regret lying to me And breaking my heart When I trusted you, even after all I had been through,) As soon as they slipped from your tongue, I knew that I had to give up. Because no amount of crying, Reasoning, Kissing, Or praying would ever change your mind, It would never change your heart. I told you I still cared. I wanted to be friends. And as I said goodbye you leaned forward and kissed me, Speaking to me all the unspoken words you had kept bottled inside For all those months, Preaching to me that you cared, Giving me one last spark of hope that maybe, Maybe, Maybe this could work. But I had already said goodbye, And it was too late. As the weeks passed, my soul yearned to know your thoughts. We never spoke. We still don’t. And we never will speak because I gave you my heart, I showed you all the scars And I explained where they came from. One from a boy who was just too nice, One from a boy who was just too mean. One from a boy who didn’t even know my name, And one from a boy who left this world Holding a piece of my heart in his hands. I told you that piece would never grow back and you kissed me deeply, Making me think that maybe you would bury my heart inside of you, To grow and heal, To become whole again. But you forgot that my heart was inside you, And when you began to hurt yourself you hurt me too. And after it was all done, but not all said, I locked myself away, tormented by my blindness. The darkest, fiercest, most powerful demons came out of the darkness and shamed me. Shamed me for loving you. Shamed me for believing you, And especially shamed me for not letting you go sooner. Disgrace rained on my head and drowned me in its strength, because for once The demons were right. But in my defense, Never in my wildest dreams did I ever expect someone like you To walk right into my life and offer to love me And cry with me And reason with me And kiss me And pray with me, And never had anyone said they believed in me. I should’ve learned sooner that words are empty, Meaningless, And can be broken in an instant. Actions are the only truth, And I only saw glimpses of truth, instances of truth, whispers of truth, but never the truth.