New Year, Old Me.

Ten, he got closer to me.

Nine, he put his arm around me and pulled me closer.

Eight, both arms around my waist.

Seven, i’m lost in his beautiful blue eyes.

Six, he smiles, knowing what is soon to come.

Five, I wrap my arms around his neck.

Four, I nervously wait.

Three, he leans in.

Two, I feel his lips against mine, so warm and soft.

One, lips still pressed together, he holds me tighter.

Just like that, the year ends.

Another year gone, that we’ll never be able to live in again.

So,

I

try.

To let go of all the pain and distrust that lived in 2014.

One, the year starts, with his lips glued to mine.

Two, he slowly pulls away.

Three, his eyes meet mine, and stay locked.

Four, I am supposed to be letting go, but

Five, I still feel the pain you caused me,

Six, how am I supposed to give him the trust,

Seven, that you broke so often?

Eight, "Are you okay?"

Nine, I nod my head.

Ten, "I’m fine, darling."

and again, another year starts with pain.

With hatred.

With sadness.

With depression.

With anger.

Without happiness.

Because, how? 

How can I suddenly just rid

myself of all existing emotions,

and find a “new” me?

How?