The Next Step

Dear Anxiety,

I don’t remember the day you came into my life.

You silently watched me without my permission as I grew up

I thought you were a quiet observer until you introduced yourself.

You said hello and told me you were a normal part of life

that you were apart of everyone's lives.

You said that you wouldn’t show yourself often,

If you did that I should follow what you say because you know best and you could get me through the hard times.

I told them about you, how you crept up on me,

How daily you appear out of nowhere and follow me around make my emotions go wild.

I was told it was okay, that I needed to get out of my comfort zone

And when I did that you may be there.

I took deep breaths and dealt with it.

I believed you were right, that they were right.

High school came and I made new friends and strengthened the old ones but you started making more frequent appearances shortly after.

You broke friendships

You prevented me from keeping the connections alive

I thought it was okay that I would drive around in circles for hours trying to get myself to get coffee at a shop I knew a lot of kids from my school went to.

I thought it was okay that I sat in my car after school crying in a panic that I spent the whole lunch period wandering around because I couldn’t bring myself to ask a friend if I could sit with them because I got into a fight with the group I usually sat with.

I thought it was okay that it would take me 15 tries to call for an interview.

I thought it was normal that I had to close my eyes to bring myself to send an email to a teacher.

I thought everyone’s brain shut off when they got called on for a question in class unexpectedly.

I grew up thinking this was normal.

I was wrong.

I am in college.

You still follow in my shadow.

I’ve missed class due to you screaming in my ear telling me I would make a scene if I went to class at 10 a.m when it started at 10:05 a.m.

I walk into a packed lecture with your hands over my eyes trying to find a seat.

When I finally sit I have no clue how I got there.

You controlled me and blinded me to where I am.

You prevented me from going to a club fair because you told me I was shit and kept telling me I couldn’t handle walking into a room with that many people.

I’ve realized this is not normal.

You are not normal.

You do not do this to other people.

I’ve realized you’ve made yourself too comfortable in my body.

You've become too comfortable controlling me.

I am not yours to control.

I control you and I no longer want you around.

I am one of the millions fighting anxiety.

I am aware and I will fight you to live my best life.

Goodbye.