Nick

Nick,

                I thought about telling you I love you today. But I didn’t because you’re so sad we didn’t talk about much else. Then again, maybe I was just in love with the idea of you, or the Nick I knew before I left. Well, I’m glad I didn’t tell you ‘cause it would’ve just hurt the both of us more. You asked me what I was thinking, like you always do – some honest curiosity I’ve always appreciated – and I didn’t tell you because if I had said it out loud it would’ve been on the list of things that would’ve just hurt the both of us more.

“I hate myself” was being repeated over and over again.

I hate that I felt completely abandoned and alone when you said those words,

I hate that I don’t have any college friends,

I hate that I came to Missouri for school,

I hate that I rely on boys for happiness apparently,

I hate that I’m not enough for you or can’t help or fix you,

I hate that your depression is kicking your ass,

I hate that I didn’t kiss you when I got in the car, and

I hate that I barely looked at you when I could’ve been memorizing your face before I couldn’t look at you the same way again. I hate that I can barely remember your smile.

Why am I crying right now? Because I continue to insert myself into people’s lives when they’re too busy to give me love… they always need to love themselves first. Well, maybe I feel more valid in loving myself when others love me too.

I hate that; makes me feel gross, that I can’t depend on just myself. I guess that’s why people think I’m using them. It really isn’t my intention. Maybe you were doing this for the overall best but right now it hurts, and I don’t care. What happened to us just being two people who want to hold someone in the night? I guess it’s not enough. But that’s another thing that makes me feel ashamed of myself.

I haven’t been able to hold a singular boy down for more than a few weeks here. I thought you would be different. You’re older and there’s no bullshit to mess with, we both liked each other. Depression seems to be the one I should be jealous of, taking all your time, energy, and emotions.

Thanks, Depression, for taking my Nick away from me.

I wonder if you ever looked at or listened to the songs I put on that playlist for you… I hope so.

I was legitimately with you because I liked you, if you haven’t picked that up from my previous words or actions. I’m sorry you saw it any other way. I’m just so frustrated with this whole situation. I want to go back to that hill we went to together and scream. You said you didn’t see us lasting.

I fucking hate that. We must not have been on the same page for a while. I would do anything to keep you mine and happy. I’m sorry if I’m childish or annoying or ignorant or whatever age difference bullshit… but I’ve been in my 24x24 dorm since I got back and my feelings are just as real as yours.

I’ve missed you since December 22^nd when I didn’t run back to your car and I miss you today in the same way. I almost turned around, but I heard your car turn on so I’m not sure you want to be chased anymore. You seem like you’ve made up your mind.

I don’t even know if I want to give you this. What if I do and it makes you sad enough to go to Level Black? Or what if it just overcomplicates your life and you overthink and get triggered into thinking you were a burden (you weren’t)? What if it just prolongs your depression? Or what if you get to Level Black and you never know how I really felt about you.

I guess that one scares me the most. I want you to know how much of a wonderful impact you’ve made on my life. You’ve given me some of the best advice I could ever receive,

“hey, don’t date him, date me,” and

“go find your own internship, get out of here,” and

“you’re good at writing, you should take this class.” See how much you’ve changed my life with those three quotes?

You gave me the confidence to believe in my abilities and move forward with them, you called me beautiful, you wrote me songs, you listened to me cry, you held me in the night. You let me hold you. What else is there? You showed me a whole sport. You have changed my life for the better and have made me feel more deeply than I have in a long time. Why would I want to let you go? There’s that dumb white girl saying,

“if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.”

Well, I want to handle you at your worst, I want to be there when you cry, I want to watch you walk uphill into the sun where you can be your true self again. I wanna be “that power couple” at the Oscars one day, walking the red carpet. I mean, that Florida fortune teller could still be true.

My point is, I truly want you, and whether that be through only friendship or anything more is up to you. But I’ll be here if you ever change your mind about anything. I appreciate that you’ve considered my happiness this entire time but remember that I’m always thinking of yours. I guess the last thing I wanna say is

thanks.

No matter where this goes, through this experience with you I’ve grown and shifted into a new person, and I still have demons to deal with, but everything takes time.

I hope everything gets better.

Makayla