No Air

There are moments where the sun is out and everything is calm.

Then the storm comes once more.

A tornado of noise, ripping oxygen from my lungs.

Bad words; bad out-lashes from either side of me. The voices constantly bicker and disagree with each other. They don't want to try to resolve anything, so they just let it out on me and me only, because I'm the only one that will listen. But I don't want to hear them. They are harsh, tearing at my thoughts of what I should truly feel.

They feel like whirl winds and whip lashes which confuse my senses and make me numb to the rest of the world.

There's so much negativity;

I plead for the voices to be silent.

But they must have their way. 

They must be heard.

I'm forced into silence, and I try to fight back with whatever courage I can muster.

But I just want the voices to be silent,

So I must be silent.

 

I feel restrained.

I'm trapped in a bottle floating in a dark endless ocean.

Pressing against the barriers on all sides of me, as if that will do any help in my desperate attempt to escape.

The only escape is by looking to the sky;

By not giving in.

But the top is sealed shut with a cork, so no one can hear my screams.

I am unable to scream; almost incapable of screaming in frustration.

It hurts so much. And with each word that is forced into my mind to process, I feel like I lose a bit of myself each time.

I feel like I'm nothing; so powerless and unheard. It's almost cold and empty, but at the same time there's a burning and stinging mass in my very core.

I believe it's called utter frustration and bitterness.

 

Frustration is not allowed though, because it is seen as hate and spite towards the voices, and I cannot anger the voices. I don't want this torment to continue on, but it feels wrong against every fiber of my being to let myself give in to what seems so unnecessarily unfair and immoral to do to a human being. Such a simple yet complex human being. 

How can you treat someone like this? 

How can these voices just dehumanize someone so easily and not even show any real remorse for their actions?

They strip away at my very foundation and stability.

 

It's so hard to breathe.

 

I can take short breaths, but my lungs won't fill up with air completely.

I feel like I'm choking in a black void with no oxygen in reach.

My chest feels tight; slabs of stone pressing down on me and crushing the airways. 

My head hurts; the essence of red clouding my vision that doesn't disappear even when I shut my eyes firmly.

Will the voices quiet down anytime soon?

Most likely not. It doesn't even matter to me anymore why or how this hurricane of voices got started.

I'm lost and just want some time to process what has happened.

 

I can't distinguish what is wrong or right anymore between others or even myself in my own thoughts.

My mind is clouded and distorted, just like my vision when my glasses are taken off from the foggy lens from so many tears falling from my eyes..

But who takes notice of this; of myself finally being broken and shattered into fragments? Not the voices.

They just go on and on, continuing to verify their dominance over me; as if I can't tell that my opinion is of no importance to them already.

I just sit there and cry silently as my body trembles. I can't help it.

It's the only way I can cope with this never ending shadow looming over me. I cry because I can't cry out. I just want to shrink and disappear from this moment. 

 

If I'm careful enough, these outbursts of voices can be prevented for a little while.

They will never permanently leave though, I know this for a fact. All I can do is try my best to maneuver around the mines scattered across the ground that will trigger the outbursts if I make one wrong move. Each day that I'm around the voices feels like a risk. There's so much underlying tension, that I just want to prolong the time before my next encounter with these voices as much as I'm able to. 

The extensive exposure to this madness of sorts takes its toll over time: I can't talk very loud in public areas, I'm described as shy, I'm told to participate with others more in group situations, and I'm always the first to say sorry even if I'm not the one at fault. I just want to avoid conflict, and encounters with people feel stressful or uncomfortable at times. Silence and repression are so rooted within me that it will stick with me for the rest of my life.

 

I want to get away.

I want to get away from this.

I want to get away from the voices that sound calm but still pierce like a bullet. Because they hide malice and have a hint of deceit.

I just want to have some rest from the pain. Maybe I should go somewhere new, or just spend time with the right people. And when I'm with these people, I can't trouble them or make them worry about what I've been through. These voices don't show their true form to anyone else but me anyways.

So who can believe me but myself?

 

I just need to move on.

I must.

I will move on.

I just have to wait a little longer, just a little.

The time will come when I can be independent and not have to rely on the unstable voices to take care or watch over me. I will finally get to be my own self. I will no longer have the excuse of not being able to leave my house, just because I was too small and couldn't take care of myself.

But it's about time to leave what I've been familiar with.

It's so close I can almost see it.

I see the sky's representation of freedom.

It's the sunbeams that dissolve the gray clouds.

I want to be like the sunbeams, and burst my way through the darkness.

The sunbeams have no definite end to them, and neither shall I.