No offense but...

Am I a pessimist or a realist?

Because I still find myself questioning the existence of him 

I get it, we all believe (or most of us) in this place 

And I want to

I have to...

Because I'm scared

That I don't go anywhere after this ride,

That I lose everyone I ever loved,

That nothing happens once we close our eyes,

But that can't be true can it?

Because I still question the meaning of all this,

What is of for, what's the point?

If we all forget and leave alone?

Don't get me wrong though,

I want to be believe that Santa Clause really does come at night

That he comes down the chimney 

And gives you presents when he knows you've been good

But I can't

because its too much for me,

And eventually...

I find out,

About the presents prewrapped and covered

Hiding in their bedroom,

And I catch them one night seeking them under the tree

And I cry

So is there a higher power out there?

Up there?

Anywhere?

Because if there is, then why am I frightened?

Do I lack faith, is it my lack of trust?

Or is it my education that didn't make the cut?

Because if so, then help me believe, because this system feels so

wrong

And I can't take it

Is this something our fathers and mothers came up with

When they were first born?

Did they feel alone?

Do we have this idea implanted to avoid the starkness?

Is it that we tell and teach us these things so that we wake everyday saying:

"It's okay, you go somewhere after this"

Do we know deep down 

How ridiculous it sounds?

How unimaginable and terrifying it would be?

Is it controversy

To reject this belief and succumb to our harsh reality?

What would happen then?

Do we tell ourselves this to comfort our fear,

So much faith that we actually start to believe 

That there is a plan,

Because if there is then so tell me!

Because I still don't understand

How something can be so ultimate, 

And everywhere at once,

Yet still make me feel like I'm in solitude

How can I take in this idea

When all I see is logic 

And all I feel is insolence 

When did anatomy ruin all the fun?

Where did the magic go?

Because I still feel like I'm trapped in a limbo

And I can't get out!

I can't make myself believe

All this to me

Purgatory, heaven, and hell 

I'm crying

And...

I'm sorry,

I'm scared,

But I have to ask,

Is there really a god out there?