No Title

People's lives shift like tides, may change in a moment. A shift for worse I now abide, (Hardly...) my moment of torment. Murky and dark and vivid was the scene, a memory hesitantly remembered. (Don't!) Every detail as hazy as a dream, when my spinal cord was severed. Have you lived an oxymoron? Capable, sensible, yet powerless? Floating in a body fit and strong, frantically swimming motionless? Fierce resignation absorbed me. Could this really be it? (NO!) Pondering my brief life was scary, regrets, apologies... Shit. The darkness was unexpected, (Everything was?) with death associated with a "light." My faith became deeply effected. Where's God's hand on such a sight? (Or was it?) Surely he wouldn't brush me away, my faith has been strong until today! How could I drown from summer play? It's daunting a moment holds such sway. A deep hue of crimson, the water was dyed, my shell of a body's mocking accusement. I was finished, regardless what I tried; perhaps this is my individual Atonement? (For what!?) "But God! Aren't we a team?! Me the willing puppet tied to the strings you've mastered?! To renounce me now is simply obscene!" I became a forgotten marionette, bound through freedom, caricatured. (Who forgot who?) Strangely, a thought emerged of hope; it felt wrong: clearly this was it; no need to add more weight to my distress. (Let it go.) My Friends! No, it's too late, no matter their brawn. My senses submitted to despair while I was hauled on Will's chest. (Who's pulling his strings?) Will saved me? I'm free? Dry land, light, life, the pieces don't fit! I went through Hell not knowing if I'd be back; I was ready! Death was beckoning and I helplessly submit. (Weak.) I felt as though I had been reborn to the same life, resurrected. However, a big part of me washed away in my handicapped fight, an ego death which instilled foundations for my new life to be erected. (Go back!) This life I'll leave no regrets or need for apologies; this life I'll live right. Surely God never planned to brush me away, my faith has been strong until today and will stay that way! Who cares if I nearly drowned from summer play? (I do!) It's amazing how my moment holds such sway. This poem is about the moment I broke my neck in the James River on August 11, 2011. The injury rendered me paralyzed from the chest down. Here is an explanation of my poem: I realized, as I was writing, the line lengths were getting progressively longer but, when I thought about it, it made sense. While I was underwater, more and more thoughts were being bounced around in my head, so I felt like longer and longer lines reflected that fairly well. In English class we talk about how a fixed structure make the reader feel more comfortable but this should not be a comfortable poem. Just like how it was difficult for me to keep up with all the stimuli of that moment, the reader experiences some difficulty understanding the structure/rhyme scheme. I think the stanza length emphasizes this in a way, too, because its regularity contradicts the line length's irregularity. Swimming is a very regular thing for most people but drowning is irregular. My punctuation plays a purpose as well. Some lines have no punctuation so they can be read smoothly while others have a bunch of punctuation which disrupts the flow. This symbolizes the James River where this accident happened - more specifically, The Rocks. At The Rocks, there are stretches where water flows unhindered (no punctuation) and there are sections of rapids (a lot of punctuation). I have no title because I went into this moment blind and so will the reader. The little inserts between the lines symbolize the voice in my head as I try to suppress all the anger and skepticism about everything.