I awaken

 

Rub my eyes

Judge the size

Of my shaking

 

Hands

 

Have they grown bigger?

 

I’m attached

 

Yet not

 

Body

 

Why?

 

Weighed down on my bed sheets

I can’t feel my heartbeat

 

Alive

 

But is this living?

 

Distant

 

I’m lost in a sea of people

That don’t feel real

 

They’re mechanic

Can’t seem to understand my panic

 

They speak to me

With computer-generated responses

Automatic processes

And all that I can assess from this is

 

Maybe I just don’t get it

 

and I look to see that

 

The wifi is on

Four bars detected

But I constantly long to be truly connected

 

Maybe

It’s because my brain is storming

And that’s why nothing is stabilizing

 

I tear myself apart

 

Calamity

 

I drown beneath chlorinated waves

Of depression

Depersonalization

 

When I breach

I catch a glimpse of blue skies

An endless stretch of heaven

I reach out only to be pulled back in

 

Why can’t I feel any sensation?

 

They tell me to snap out of it

Get back to my senses

How could I

When there are wired fences?

 

A caged animal in confinement

There’s no place to hide and

I’ll be the first to admit I’m not fine

All I need is a little more time

 

A little more time

 

A little more time

 

A little more time

 

Well I’m running out of time

 

Running out of time

 

Running out of time

 

Running out of time

 

In frustration and lost patience

I down fifteen pills

In hopes of compensation

 

Death approaches me

His boney fingers wrap around my throat

But even Death knows of mercy

Or torture, I don’t know

But he lets go

 

All I feel is pain

Burning chemicals rush in my veins

 

Some body

 

Somebody

 

 

Why does it hurt to be somebody?

 

Question

 

What is an identity

When you have lost all attachment?

 

No body

 

Nobody

 

I’m nobody

 

Feel

 

Feel

 

FEEL

 

Why have you forsaken me

 

I’m sorry

 

Lonely child

 

It’s just a chemical imbalance

And an overprotective mind

 

My nails dig into my stomach

I rip out my hair

Bite my chapped lips until they bleed

 

The stranger in the mirror stares back

Unblinking

 

Alive

 

But is this living?

 

Mine

 

Mine

 

MINE

 

Hands

 

They search for something the grapple

Fingers wrap around a scalpel

Maybe if I cut myself open

Then that will be helpful

 

This body

These words

This mind

 

They’re not mine

My internals can be replaced

This flesh is simply a vessel that confines

 

I tear myself apart

 

My head is stuffed with cotton

My shoulders are now stone

I have camera lenses for eyes

And false hope in my bones

 

I stitch on a crooked smile

And attempt to sew together

The scraps of who I used to be

 

Body

 

Alive

 

But is this living?

 

Stop

 

My lover embraces me

 

Through her eyes

I saw a hole through the veil of reality

Through her lips

She breathes life into me

 

We kiss

 

Breathe

 

I sigh

 

Alive

 

But is this living?

 

I realize

 

Yes, despite it all

 

She caresses my cheek

I am reminded that battles aren’t fought alone

 

My love

You’re alive

 

She takes my hands

And traces the fading scars

Of year old cuts

On her fragile pale arms

 

I too, have felt pain

I too, have felt sorrow

I too, have felt hopelessness

But we’ll live for tomorrow

 

Love, you’re in a body

I love you because you embody

My world, my stars, my galaxy

 

You are somebody

 

Even when you feel like nothing

 

Love, look at me

She whispers

 

Breathe

 

She lifts me up from the bedsheets

My heart beats again

 

I am alive

 

And I have awoken