Not All Men

Why am I afraid of men?

I wonder to myself

As I flinch away from his gentle touch,

A touch meant only to love.

I apologize. 

Again. 

He treats me too well for me to act

Like this. 

I say goodnight too early, and 

Oh God forbid I let him in. 

Men. 

The thought of their calloused hands

and dirty lips make me cringe.

I know,

In theory of course,

That he won't leave me.

He loves me.

But why am I so scared of him?

He promises,

Again,

"Baby, I love you

And the curves of your thighs,

The glimmer in your eyes,

Your independence,

And how you never look at another man."

Baby,

I don't want to look at another man

Because he might touch me like that.

He might see a spark that's not there and 

Start a forest fire between my thighs

Unwanted

But burning.

Devastating.

The evidence left charred

Left for generations to see the scars.

I guess it's because I'm a woman.

Because I can't walk home alone at night

And because she told me the next person 

To touch me like this

Would be a man.

She made it seem like practice for my

Inevitable rape. 

"Because good men come in small

packages, 

so go and find yourself a big man.

He'll touch you the way I can.

Be quiet.

Don't fight it.

I'm helping you win."

Helping me win a race I didn't even know

I was in. 

Because I can only be raped by men, right?

Because it's only sexual assault 

when they're 40 and you're 10?

No. 

Rape and abuse

Come in all shapes and sizes.

If you have to say no again and again,

Keep fighting. 

It's a war you must win. 

Because #notallmen is a joke of a trend. 

NOT ALL MEN

Women, men, every gender.

It's not mutually exclusive.

There are no rules when in comes to abuse.

While I may always be a bit afraid of men,

I know I will find

Love

In him

But mostly in myself.

I am lovable.

I am a victim and a victor.

The loot and the treasure.

The bullet and the gun.