Not Enough

I lay here in bed wondering if you know I cry at night. I think to myself why wasn’t I enough to make you happy? Was it really the way I looked? I knew I was never pretty enough to be happy but you fooled me. I can honestly say that with you I felt like I was the most amazing thing that you’ve ever seen until I found out the truth. I wish sometimes that you never contacted me because I was doing just fine and I was just getting comfortable with myself. Everyone says every guy is the same when I know that, that isn’t true. I wanted to believe you were one of those guys. Sometimes I feel like you’re just trying to replace her with me. I’ll never be the person you wish I was and it kills me to know that. I just wish I would catch you cheating because I know that’s the only way I’ll truly be able to be without you. I want to be free from all this pain but I know it won’t matter if I’m with you or not the pain will still be there. You say you’re sorry but I wonder are you really or do you just feel guilty? I look at you and I don’t see the man I fell in love with. Why did you do this to me? We were best friends. You knew what I had gone through, I knew what you went through. We were there for each other since I was ten and you were thirteen. Now I feel numb when it comes to you. We both know I’ve changed with you and I’m glad you confronted me about it because it killed me, not telling you the truth. I wanted to tell you but I didn’t want to see you hurt. Another reason why I couldn’t tell you was because I was hoping that maybe one day I’d be able to love you again and not just see you as an old friend of mine. Maybe I just wanted our family to stick together but in the end I did wrong to both of us. I hate knowing that I don’t love you anymore and that you’re hoping one day things will go back to how they were. Believe me when I say I want to go back to where we were at first. When I would believe I would never hurt. I had a vision of how we were all going to be and where we were going to be with our lives. Now we just live together for our kids and to help each other out because we know we won’t make it alone. I think the only reason you’re okay with doing what we’re doing is so that we stay together as a family and you don’t miss anything when it comes to the kids. On the other hand I hate it because I know it causes you pain. Acting like we are a family when we’re not. I wish I could change and act like nothing ever happened but I can’t. I hope one day things will work out between us because I still picture my future with you and I still see you as the man that one day I will marry. I do love you but sometimes love isn’t enough. You’ve proven that to me several times and now I know its true.