Not Enough

You look so pretty

So healthy

So skinny

So perfect

I feel the need to puke

If only they knew

If only they knew what I did to look like this

I did things I promised my loved ones I’d never do

Things you’re told not to do since the moment you learned about, well anything

It’s never been this bad ya know?

I would always succumb to my love for my friends and my longing for food

God I hate saying that word

Food.

I know

It’s stupid, right?

But to me it’s a dirty word

A word I fear to ever say aloud

A word that brings me back to when I was a child

Afraid to ask for a snack 

Afraid to ask for second helping

Afraid to order juice at dinner

I feel like I’m a little fat kid again

I feel like eating anything will bring me back to my binging episodes

The things I swore never to do again

The things I would do in secret

The things I’ve never spoken about

Until now I suppose

Now it feels like eating a simple meal is like I’m stuffing myself to the brim

Like a pig with no self control

My body begs for it

But my mind rejects it

Not wanting to fall back into the patterns of binging and purging

So now I’ll just starve myself I suppose

That’s a plan

Not a good one, but it appeases my mind

People are concerned now

My peers

My teachers

My family, not biological of course

Who gives a shit about them, they don’t even give a shit about me

I know I need help

I know I should listen to those around me

Eat

Do something about this

But I don’t want to

A day without eating is one to be proud of

A day where I eat an apple?

Or worse, a bagel?

That’s a day I go to the gym

That’s a day I workout till I puke or pass out

Whichever comes first

And yet through all of this

I’m applauded for my strides

I look so pretty

So healthy

So skinny

So perfect

But it’s not enough. 

It will never be enough.