not good

June 5th, 2014; 10 years old

I walk down to the basement and walk over to the shelf. I stand on the bag of water softener salt as I try to reach the mac and cheese on top.  I hear footsteps. Heavy footsteps. I hide behind the freezer where no one can see me and hear my step-dad.

“Come out girly. I saw you walk down here. You can’t hide forever,” I hear him moving closer and freezingfreeze. “I promise it’ll hurt less if you show yourself,” I shiver. I don’t want daddy'swant anymore of daddy’s love juice, it hurts so much. He says I’ll get used to it, but he’s been saying that the last two years and it still hurts. I hear him rummaging around in something a peak out from around the freezer. He pulls out my underwear from the laundry basket. The dirty laundry basket. He presses them to his nose and smells them. “I just want to see you girly,” he starts to turn and I move back. I hear him sniff it again. A door opens upstairs. Mommy’s home. He stuffs the panties in his pocket and rushes upstairs. I finally come out of my hiding spot and don’t realize I haven’t been breathing until I almost pass out. I inhale and grab the box. I run to mommy and give it to her. My step-dad gives me the stink eye.

~~

My bedroom door opens. I stuff the DS under my pillow and pretend to be asleep, my back to the door. Footsteps approach me and stop at the side of my bed. I feel a large hand restingrest on my side.

“I’ll get you tomorrow girly,” my step-dad whispers, his breath smelling of the cheap beer he drinks. Mommy doesn’t like it when he drinks, she says he gets gross and it’s bad to kiss him. “I swear on it,” he kisses me on the neck. He finally leaves. I take a deep breath and start to silently sob. I turn off my DS and put it on the charger. I wish my real dad was here. He wouldn’t do this to me. I didn’t dream. I barely even slept. When I did sleep, it was full of darkness.