not a kid anymore

things were so easy.

then,

that gut wrenching dread

nothing i've experienced has come close to that

the day the universe split

now i spend every day yearning for a timeline i do not get to live in, learning how to exist in a world i do not know

and i wonder how this could make us believe in god

us because you can't go through this with people and not care about them

unity like feeling sharp pain when they paint "drive safer. live longer." on our school windows

because i still think about feeling her warmth a lot

i can still hear her in everyone

sometimes in me

and triggers never stop popping up

they never will

so to soothe them, you convince yourself she never existed

and fuck,

i know i'm different now

have you ever been burnt so deeply that the skin that regrows feels nothing?

my youth isn't youth anymore

kids don't have to grieve

have you ever seen a mother cry the way i have?