Not now.

Sometimes the sequence of the events is just awful. It's not that only we got bad things happening, but it's that each one happens and no break follows any. They just happen all at once and I am not the kind of person who can handle pressure, I break down easily. I can't take many hits they just hurt too much and cause me depression and make me want to be in an alienation as far away from human beings as possible. I want to just throw things as hard as I can against the wall, the floor. I want to break the most valuable things that Ive been keeping for ages, I want to scream as loud as I can letting go of all my secret and shames and fears that have been holding me back and stopping me from being the true me. I want to do all these things because not only that I hate everything in my life but mostly I hate the person Ive become I hate the masks Ive chosen to wear I hate the acts I did the words that came out of my mouth when I was expecting them least. I hate how I am so weak that I can't stand up for my self and do something about the fact that my mother's death was so unfair and that my dad's reaction to my future plans is harsh. I can't face it and do something about it, nothing at all. I just stand there hoping that my shock of seeing such things will someday save me but no it's just a shock that will get bigger everyday and grow feelings of disappointment and guilt. Feelings of shame and insecure feelings that I wizh I can ignore..no they are feelings that ARE EVERYWHERE I GO they basically control me and the life around me. One action out of these feelings gives my whole life a flavor or just..breaks it down even more if that is even possible after all thats happened. I want to write untill my hands get numb my fingers get the courage to start swearing to tell me to fucking stand up and do something because writing might get me fame but whats gonna get me a personality? Is it sitting on a chair hugging Shakespeares last works and a few of Picaso's arts ? I do not think so, but Im certain that whatever it is, it's not something I got the energy to do it's not something enough to make me stand up and ...be someone.