Not This Time

I sat in my seat for my second period class;

I didn’t expect her to come.

But she did.

She sat a couple seats behind me,

And I wonder as i always do when a new kid enters,

This kid might be shy,

And maybe need a friend,

I’ll do it!

But then I remember that,

I think this same thing every time,

And this kid ends up being a jerk,

And fitting in with the wrong crowd.

Every time.

So thats what I expected.

I didnt expect her to be nice,

Or friendly,

I didnt expect her to sit across from me in first period,

And when the kids made fun of me,

I didnt expect her not to join in.

I didnt expect her to,

As I laughed it off,

To ask me if i was okay.

And when I gave the default “yes”

I didnt expect her to ask once more,

To make sure I really was.

I didnt expect someone who didnt know me,

To care about me.

Even if I really was okay.

Now she still sits in front of me,

And she seems sad.

I know I should ask if shes okay,

But I'm scared to.

I can be very outgoing,

And I'm generally not shy,

But when people are nice to me,

I get paranoid that I'm going to scare them away,

And that they’ll join the stupid mean kids,

And act like they don’t know me.

So then I end up not talking to them,

I always look preoccupied,

And not open to talk.

Yes, I am usually confident and loud,

But I don't want to scare her away.

I want a new friend,

But I don't know how.

I guess I could start by asking her if shes okay,

Right here, right now,

As she sits,

So focused on her work on the chromebook,

With her eyebrows crinkled and constructed,

Or I could’ve should've earlier,

As she sat looking sad and alone,

After all, I owe it to her,

She cared about me,

And I should do the same in return,

But I'm scared.

Scared to lose her,

And my fear of losing her,

Will be the reason I will lose her.

Like every other time.

Every day, I think, “ask her if shes ok”

But then I hold it off too long,

And go,

I’ll do it tomorrow,

But I don't,

Every time.

Now someone else,

Will end up doing it before I can,

And then I'll lose her,

A great friend,

All because I was scared to lose her.

Just like

Every

Single

Other

Time.

But not this time.

I see the error of my ways.

To live in fear is to not live at all.

So I will ask her,

If shes okay.

Unlike

Every

Other

Time.

Not this time.