For as long as I can remember
My mind was my only source of reasoning
I could always use my brain to better a situation
My brain never let me down and I honestly believed it never would
All that has changed now
A number of recent events has opened my being to a new source of confidement
What I THOUGHT is now what I FEEL
No longer do I rationalize things based on logic
My heart and mind were at war
A never ending storm of thoughts and feelings
In the beginning, I didn't know how to handle it
So I brushed everything and everyone off like nothing mattered
Continuously fooling myself into thinking that it would go away on its own
My emotions became liquid
My feelings, transparent
For the first time, I felt.. Love
Was I afraid?
Hell yes.. But I've never been one to run from my fears
What made things even worse?
I fell unwillingly, endlessly and forever hopelessly in love.. With someone
Of course I tried to hide it
I refused to admit that I actually felt something for someone
What to do with these feelings, I didn't know
I never know what to do with my feelings
When I was younger, I'd just channel all of these feelings into sports or dance
Now? I just feel.. Lost...
I've tried to fight it
I've tried to mask the pain
I've cried silently by myself
I've thought endlessly for hours upon hours
I've realized, now, that I'm just not enough.. Never have been.. Never will be
Don't have one.. But I do know one thing..
I don't want to do this anymore
Putting myself out there, vulnerable.. For everyone to see
Trying to make everyone around me happy.. But where's my happiness
Ever want something so bad and you do all you can to get it but deep down inside, at the back of your mind you know.. It'll never be yours
No matter how much of a fight you put up
No matter how many words spill from your frantic mind
What is it that I want?
I want to be happy again.. I want my peace of mind back
I want to feel something I've never felt before
I want new experiences
Most of All... I want love.. To be loved and to love someone so hard it hurts
I have so many "claiming" to love and care about me
Family, friends, aquintances..
Do they really?
Why do you love me so?
True love.. Or no?
Fake love .. Or real love?
What will you remember about me when I'm gone?
What Mark have I left on this world?
I tried so hard.. I just.. Can't anymore
It hurts too much and I'm not sure if I can take anymore
I used to be a strong person
Able to conquer every storm inside and around me
Not anymore... I think this is the end for me..
I realize that now.. Tears streaming, Ray Charles "A Song For You" blasting my emotions into oblivion
So who's the bad guy? The culprit..
My heart that's the anchor to my soul..
My mind that's my brigade of solitude..
They've come to a common ground and made a truce..
My time is up.. No more tears
No more disappointments
No more letting the ones I love down
No more frustrations
No more worries
No more lies
No more heart break
No more wondering why I feel these things
No more not wanting things that I can't help
No more hopeless feelings of love
No more anxiety
No more guilt
No more hurting the ones I love
No more of the ones I love hurting me
No more judgements
No more accusations, comparisons, or false conclusions
No more stupid reasonings
No more fighting for something that's never going to happen
No more surprises
No more doors shut
No more ...
I always said that if I had to choose a super power, it would be to fly
Being absent from my body and my physical being will give me that power..
No Romeo and Juliet
No Marilyn Monroe
No kurt Cobain
The titanic.. Such a beautiful ending
Jump in.. Let the waves over take me.. Float out to a sea of no return.. Never To be found.. Never To be heard from again
Never To be hurt again.. Never To feel..anything
To all that loved me, I love you
To all of those that cared for me, I care too
To all of those who will remember me, I'm sorry
I can breathe now.. Be happy for me..
- No longer can I be hurt..
(not a real suicide note)
Need to talk?
If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741