Note to Self

While he sat at home high and numb to his feelings for me 

I, fully sober, grew to despise him. 

I never thought it would ever happen, but

here I am, without him. 

I tried to picture my life a month ago-

the mutual compassion and care we had for each other. 

His smile in the car, the smell of cigs on his hands. 

Black hair..

All of it. 

What I thought was my future

is now and will always be

a faded and foggy memory. 

He was not the guy I had met before. 

He was nothing more than a mirage to persuade me to him, 

 his flawlessness a hallucination. 

The more I thought of him the way I imagined him,

the more angry I became. 

He left me, and I was left to fend for myself 

with the thoughts of who I thought he was

and who he really is-

to figure it all out on my own.

I felt inferior when he left me.

For the first time in a very long time, I was inferior.

I was always a very independent person, not willing to settle for anyone else's

opinions other than mine.

But for some reason, this one was different.

Why?

I cried some nights...

just to ask myself-

"Why? Why would he do this to me of all people in his life?" 

Somethng was wrong, very wrong. 

Is this really even him? 

The rest of the story, details and end,

are forever a mystery. I tried to erase and push him out of my memory

or to make him a distant one. 

But it was no use. 

Note to self: never let a man take your sanity.