Note to self: Never write one of these ever again. It sucks.

I am nothing

 

This world tells me to be something but… they only make me feel like nothing.

This world wants me to spread positivity but their negativity makes me angry.

Their cruelness doesn’t make sense because they want me to overcome life’s obstacles but they won’t even help me climb a fence.

Sometimes to get where we want we need a little bit of help and since day one I’ve been crying for help but it seems as if everyone around me is deaf.

 

I am nothing

 

It’s hard for me to wake up and try to cope in a place that I hate.

A place that says I need to be straight to fit in and be accepted.

A place that says I am nothing but a weird, skinny lesbian.

A place that wants me to feel beautiful but says that I look funny.

And I hate going outside when it’s sunny because people will see my funny face and they will hate me for everything that I am and for everything that I’m not.

My thoughts eat me alive and momma says that I’m crazy but I promise that I’m not.

I’ve just let myself rot inside of the cages I hide in because I don’t want anyone to see what I’m hiding.

 

I am nothing

 

I envy the ocean for all the damage it can do but how precious it is.

For it’s lethal waves that swallow and abandon things in the endless abyss that no human will ever enter.

For the way tsunamis kill and destroy but people still love visiting the beach and riding waves - I wish somebody loved me that way.

I wish I could eat you alive so you could see how I am inside.

I wish you could physically see my brain. So you could see that I’m not really insane, I’m just alone.

I just want a friend or two to call my own but I can’t because all I do is lock myself in my room at home and think about how I’m lonely.

Feeling lonely turns into feeling like I’m nothing and nothingness is a lot scarier than it seems.

 

I am nothing

 

I told momma that the anticipated war on the news has already been going on for years.

Momma looks at me like I’m crazy and tells me to stop lying.

But momma, can’t you see that the war is really inside me?

It's a never ending war within myself that I’m fighting.

It’s a never ending war and I am barely surviving.

It’s a never ending war that’s been going on for sixteen years and I’m sure that it will never simply just disappear.

 

I am nothing

 

My best friend is named depression and he never leaves me alone.

He accompanies when I’m home and he reminds me that I am nothing and he reminds me that I’m ugly.

He reminds me that nobody will ever truly love me.

Sometimes he hurts me because he knows how tiring it gets hurting myself.

I don’t need counseling, depression is always there when I need help.

He makes the world around me seem a little more peaceful and a little less like hell.

He’s a really helpful friend, his name is depression and he reminds me every single second that

 

I am nothing

 

I tell myself to stop thinking about sad things when I’m sad but my mind tells me to stop complaining and deal with it.

I try to stop thinking about my bestfriend, depression, but I’ve learned to love him.

I think him and I might even get married someday and live in holy matrimony forever.

When I’m hurting, depression is always there. When I die, depression will die with me.

As long as I’m alive, depression says that he will never leave me.

Depression is my best friend. Depression will be there till the very end.

I love him and I am his obsession. Why can’t more people be like this, more people like depression?

Dear, depression. Thank you for never leaving me and thank you for your honesty. Thank you for reminding me every morning how much I hate myself. I want you and I would never want anybody else. Thank you for reassuring me that

 

I am nothing.

 

This poem is about: 
Me

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If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741