Note: Sμ¡c1d£

Note: Sμ¡c1d£ For as long as I can remember My mind was my only source of  reasoning I could always use my brain to better a situation My brain never let me down and I honestly believed it never would All that has changed now A number of recent events has opened my being to a new source of confidement My heart What I THOUGHT is now what I FEEL No longer do I rationalize things based on logic My heart and mind were at war A never ending storm of thoughts and feelings In the beginning, I didn't know how to handle it So I brushed everything and everyone off like nothing mattered Continuously fooling myself into thinking that it would go away on its own My emotions became liquid My feelings, transparent For the first time, I felt.. Love Was I afraid? Hell yes.. But I've never been one to run from my fears What made things even worse? I fell unwillingly, endlessly and forever hopelessly in love.. With someone Of course I tried to hide it I refused to admit that I actually felt something for someone What to do with these feelings, I didn't know I never know what to do with my feelings When I was younger, I'd just channel all of these feelings into sports or dance Now? I just feel.. Lost... I've tried to fight it I've tried to mask the pain I've cried silently by myself I've thought endlessly for hours upon hours I've realized, now, that I'm just not enough.. Never have been.. Never will be The conclusion? Don't have one.. But I do know one thing.. I'm tired I'm exhausted I don't want to do this anymore Putting myself out there, vulnerable.. For everyone to see Trying to make everyone around me happy.. But where's my happiness Ever want something so bad and you do all you can to get it but deep down inside, at the back of your mind you know.. It'll never be yours No matter how much of a fight you put up No matter how many words spill from your frantic mind What is it that I want? I want to be happy again.. I want my peace of mind back I want to feel something I've never felt before I want new experiences Most of All... I want love.. To be loved and to love someone so hard it hurts I have so many "claiming" to love and care about me Family, friends, aquintances.. Do they really? Why do you love me so? True love.. Or no? Fake love .. Or real love? What will you remember about me when I'm gone? What Mark have I left on this world? I tried.. I tried so hard.. I just.. Can't anymore It hurts too much and I'm not sure if I can take anymore I used to be a strong person Able to conquer every storm inside and around me Not anymore... I think this is the end for me.. I realize that now.. Tears streaming, Ray Charles "A Song For You" blasting my emotions into oblivion So who's the bad guy? The culprit.. My heart that's the anchor to my soul.. My mind that's my brigade of solitude.. They've come to a common ground and made a truce.. My time is up.. No more tears No more disappointments No more letting the ones I love down No more frustrations No more worries No more lies No more heart break No more wondering why I feel these things No more not wanting things that I can't help No more hopeless feelings of love No more anxiety No more guilt No more hurting the ones I love No more of the ones I love hurting me No more judgements No more accusations, comparisons, or false conclusions No more stupid reasonings No more fighting for something that's never going to happen No more surprises No more doors shut No more ... Just freedom I always said that if I had to choose a super power, it would be to fly Being absent from my body and my physical being will give me that power.. No Romeo and Juliet No Marilyn Monroe No kurt Cobain No Hitler The titanic.. Such a beautiful ending Jump in.. Let the waves over take me.. Float out to a sea of no return.. Never To be found.. Never To be heard from again Never To be hurt again.. Never To feel..anything To all that loved me, I love you To all of those that cared for me, I care too To all of those who will remember me, I'm sorry I can breathe now.. Be happy for me.. I'm free - No longer can I be hurt.. (not a real suicide note)