Nothing but a Memory

Depression knockin’ at the late night hours

Social anxiety keepin’ hidden under covers

Hide it on the inside

Never let it show 

Lying to my parents 

Feelings lying stagnant 

My state of mind 

Unassigned 

Disinclined 

Blind and confined to my own thoughts 

Thoughts of constant judgment 

Judgement passed by all those surrounding me 

Wrapped up tightly in a blanket, suffocating myself with thoughts,

Laying here choked on my own words 

Words that I have yet to say, 

Only whispered to my tear stained pillow

No matter what others tell me

I won’t be able to listen

I’d be turned deaf due to the screaming and screeching of the demons that live inside me

These demons playing games with my mind 

Twisting and turning my insides to make me believe what they say

Telling me I am not good enough

How worthless and useless and unimportant I am

I am unable to hear the voices crying out, yelling at me, telling me to just be me

Can’t seem to escape the thoughts that I harbor (in) my mind 

Inescapable 

Holding the blade up to decorate my skin 

Painting pictures that others are too oblivious to see

Holding the bottles up to my lips 

Popping pills in my mouth 

Destroying my body to make myself feel better 

Because I am listening to the demons 

Held shackled by my own thoughts 

The key lost in the deep seas formed by my tears 

Unable to unlock the chains that keep me trapped

Silent pleas for help no one is able to hear 

Trying my best to be good enough 

Not trying hard enough to be me

The virtues I lack

The virtues I am unable to see

Blinded by the ignorance of others 

Here I sit, in the dark alone (Always alone) 

Watching

Waiting 

Wanting

Wanting to fit in 

Wanting to be worth something

Wanting something worth waiting for

Something to make me feel needed

The thoughts racing through my mind

Like a child running through the fields 

A calm field filled with dreams and hope only to be beat down by those that surround me 

I can no longer find my way in this world filled with words that swarm in my mind

I cry out for help

I cry for those to see the real me behind the fake smiles and laughter 

See that I get muddled with the thoughts that stab at my mind the same way I stab my skin

Getting mixed up in a tornado of (both) my thoughts and yours, 

See that from this tornado… 

All I cause is destruction 

See that I am only lost in words

Words that seem so meaningless and stupid to others but to me, those words are what I long to hear. (Words like I love you. I need you. Don’t leave.)

I am an artist.

I draw where others don’t think to look

I paint only one color

Holding the blade up to my skin one last time 

The last picture you will ever get to see 

Creating pictures that tell my story 

Fabricating these pictures that others are too oblivious to see 

Here I am able to feel 

I feel every stroke.

Wishing I could tell other stories 

The way I want to cry

But instead putting on a fake smile 

Saying I’m fine for the next mile 

Hearing what others go through make me ponder 

Do the others wonder?

Wonder about my story

Hoping that one day someone will notice how much I’ve cried 

But crying can only do so much,

Sooner or later these things I call feelings will grow too powerful and cloud my ideas of reason 

I don’t want to feel like this anymore 

Not Happy

Not sad

Not anything 

Just a memory