The Nots I Am

My first remembered not:

the first grade, sitting with a classmate

being told I could not be a scientist. 

Girls are not smart enough you see. 

It all snowballed from there -

most try to find who they are,

but I am quite truly, 

just a ball of nots.

The years passed and all at once, 

I am not an older sister,

at least, not anymore.

The world begins to attack from all fronts.

I struggle to find my way - 

like a captain without a compass

I drift along until washing up ashore -

but I am not okay. 

I try to cover it up,

Surrounding myself with people,

building walls upon walls 

as if I can protect myself from

the guilt and sadness

that slowly forces its way in. 

I am not strong enough 

to keep up the act, to ward it off. 

Eventually, you must face 

the darkness built up inside.

I am not perfect though many

try to make me out to be. 

Off into battle I have go, 

but, I am not a fighter.

The darkness comes over me

again and again -

Until finally, I see light that

breaks through my darkness.

It seems steady and true -

but even the light can be deceiving.

I guess I am not good enough after all -

not for all of your expectations.

The light disappears - 

replaced once again, by the dull flame of nots. 

But all of these nots combine to form

the most wonderful being, 

who is out to make something, 

out of just a someone. 

Maybe I don't know all the pieces of me,

but I do have my many nots. 

And from those nots, perhaps I have found,

I am.