For Now...

Why, only now in the many years i have lived am i just now feeling pain? I have been through worse, but none has effected me like this. Hospitals and pills, nicknames and hurt, all hand and hand. Starting a new life i thought. High school, new school, new start. Yes it was new, new everything. New pain and hurt, betrayal and loss. Every emotion I had held back successfully finally burst through my walls. He broke them down, not with love but with deception. I was blinded by my willingness to believe I was loved. After all I had been through, after my years of hiding everything that had happened and taking the punishment for something that wasn't my fault. Letting every ones words beat down on me and i not saying anything, the shame i felt. When I got my new start I believed this was different and I fell into the same trap only this time, it was longer, it hurt more, and there was no hiding my emotions. That day the world stood still, the crying stopped, I knew what I had to do. No one really knows that hurt unless you have been there. Crying for days, not talking to anyone and finally you know its right and you know there is no more time for crying only time for action. No one understood, Nicotine that was my choice. Pass it off as the flu, only vomiting a little aching and sweating and since I always wear a sweater anyway no one would notice. Perfect stolen patches enough to keep me up till lunch. Stuck to my arm they were stronger then i thought, I was sick by first period. A girl i barely knew was very observant, I was scratching my arms under my sweater where they were and she saw, she knew and she stopped me in the hall. Asked if I was ok, I was I told her even though I broke down again. Next hour I was still sick, I didn't want to be here I wanted to be home where no one could see me. Not to long later, I was out. I was in the hospital and pumped some kind of fluid I didn't know. Hours and Hours and very scary hours waiting for my father, I was scared. He would be so mad, he wouldn't understand, he never does. Finally it was over he was nice and then they took me away. one week they told me, I would be all better and ready to go home in a week. MY ASS. So here I am again. Facing the same problem life or death again, fighting to hold on through the pain, but moving schools and having no friends doesn't help when you need someone to talk to. But I think, My family, my future, what if I am depriving not only myself but the person I would marry from happiness and children. Was I ready to take that from someone even if I didn't know them yet? No I am not. This is it, my final choice, for now, Life is one thing I should treasure dearly, people would kill for it so why waste it when i can make something of it. I got this, for now.