Now I Understand

Sun, 02/18/2018 - 00:22 -- ngaray

Up until yesterday I never understood why you did what you did.

How you would close your eyes as the rain ran down your cheeks.

Look at a dead crumpled leaf as if it were the most beautiful thing in the world.

Smell the aroma of everything that was within your peripheral.

Touch every crevest of everything around you.

And study me as if trying to memorize every flaw and feature that I had been

sculpted by.

But now I know.

I never understood how you would say, "Im tired of everything," yet still have a smile

on your face the next second as if to remind me you were just joking around.

How you would put on a facade as if it was second nature.

Convince everyone that those tears in your eyes were of pure and utter joy 

and nothing less.

But I knew the truth.

The truth that you never held the truth within your eyes but beneathe the pain that had

been sugar coated with laughter, teenage insecurties, and self depricating jokes.

Unfortunatley no one looked beyond the surface and just merely took a glance at

what was in front of them.

You had a ticking bomb on your chest.

But we all do.

And sadly some ticking bombs are closer to zero than others.

And unfortunatley some ticking bombs wires are cut accidentally

and suddenly they hit zero sooner than they're suppose to.

Im sorry.

Im sorry I couldn't take your pain away.

Im sorry the pills took your pain away.

The gourney took your body away.

Death took your soul away.

And the view of your casket took my happiness away.

Because of you I no longer look at things the same.

Now I study my mother a bit closer, and hold her a bit longer because

death is inevitable and unpredicatable.

Now I don't pick flowers from the ground anymore, because

that sort of purity and beauty shouldn't be tampered with.

Now I smile when the skies get dark and cloudy and the rain pours down, because

when a rainbow comes it shows that those who wait will see the beauty in the dark.

Now I cry in front of people because pain is something that needs to be shown,

it reminds us how to feel.

Now I smile at death because Im no longer afraid because it will bring me back to you.

You showed me many things I never realized, but most of all you showed me how to be alive.

Because of you I've learned to live.

I am no longer a walking corpse in a sea of billions of people. 

Because of you I am alive.


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