Numb and Problematic

All I felt was numb when my parents found out I wanted to go to therapy.

“You're fine, you're just dramatic.” they said

“Just pray more often you're fine.” my dad said,

As if that would fix me.

Scars just seem to be fake and attention seeking

And other emotions other than happiness are not allowed,

When will they ever learn that that is not how it works

“You're just being dramatic.” i said as blood was running from my lips

Just because i self harm differently than taking a knife to my wrists,

Doesn’t mean it’s not self harm

Just because I may “look” okay doesn’t mean I am actually okay.

“Why do you have a semicolon on your wrist? Are you obsessed with punctuation?” they asked while my eyes filled with tears

It’s a story,

Not one i'm afraid to tell,

But I'm afraid to tell you.

5 times i tried and i can’t count on my fingers how many times i thought about it,

5 times i realized that some things don’t work,

And 5 times i held my life in my hands,

Passing my own judgment over life or death.

And 5 times I chose life over death.

The path that I walk is not a fun one,

But it changed me,

Maybe for the worst or for the better.

We’ll just have to wait and see.

I wish that life would just be easy for me.

Every time i try and reach out,

My parents just say I'm lying.

“She’s a liar” they say.

I repeat this in my head as a mantra for if I ever decide to tell somebody again.

“I’m sorry I let them in!” I want to scream and shout.

But my words fall upon deaf ears as I try to make them understand.

My chest fills up with anxiety as you begin to lecture me on things you don’t even begin to understand,

My eyes fill to the brink with tears as you make me relive the horrors of being assaulted,

I can still feel his hands on me,

I can still feel his hands on me,

Maybe you would understand more if you listened to me,

If my words didn’t fall upon to deaf ears,

You claim to always listen,

But my words fall short of your ears every single time.

Do you even try to listen?

Will you ever listen to me?

Please listen to me…

I just want to be listened to.

For once, just listen even if it's for five minutes.

Maybe you’ll find that you can understand me too.