the o-word

a tentative word escapes

from my lips and the 

joke is spoiled, the

milk is spilled, the

party is crashed. my lips,

my chapped lips, the

lips i so desperately 

wanted to press

against yours.

moving up from my lips 

and inside my head,

i realize that maybe

i moved too quickly,

a bolt of lightning when all you

needed was a rolling cloud.

my friends all use the o-word,

knowing i can't stand it,

but maybe they're right.

maybe i am, indeed,

obsessed, obsessing, obsessive,

over your pretty eyes and your deep bass tones and your gently-moving hand and your calming smile and your confident stride and

i never do it on purpose.

my thoughts ignite forests

like they're twigs for kindling

and you see the smoke rising

and you curse me for

bringing destruction to the 

world around me over and over,

as if i am, indeed,

obsessed, obsessing, obsessive,

not in love, not happy, not sensible, not a friend, not an enemy, not logical, not sound-of-mind, not

it freaks people out.

my friends get "tired,"

they always use that word,

they're "exasperated,"

they're "unsure of how to help."

they're scared of me, because i'm

obsessed, obsessing, obsessive,

gasping, crying, sobbing, shaking, choking, screaming, screaming, scream

it freaks me out too.

i know i'm losing control,

but i'm so trapped in

my own mind

and i can't escape.

my feelings are high tide

and i am drowning.

i pretend you are in a boat

and you can see me

and you won't throw me a life ring,

but the truth is that

i'm searching for fault

because i am

obsessed, obsessing, obsessive,

sad, angry, scared, terrified, petrified, frozen, afraid, depressed,

obsessing, obsessive, obsessed.