OCD And Me

OCD.

How you try to define me 

and my future 

in three simple letters. 

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. 

You don't sound like much

but I know the truth.

You may have fooled others less familiar with your crimes

but you can't fool me. 

You are not the simple act of over-cleanliness.

You are not a joke's punchline.

You are not a cute personality quirk.

You are a serious, debilitating mental illness.

And you've chosen to make a home in my mind. 

I've spent so much time countering your lies that I know what you're really like:

You are anxiety.

You are intrusive thoughts and controlling compulsions.

You are panic attacks in the middle of a celebration. 

And

like every mental illness

you do all the damage

and yet society paints me the culprit.

Stigmas penetrate our culture

and take the victim

and make them a villain.

And when I point out that people with mental illnesses

are not violent

or 'crazy'

they tell me I'm being too sensitive. 

Maybe if they lived in my mind for one day,

just one,

and experienced my crippling anxiety

they wouldn't call their organized friends 'OCD'.

Maybe if they realized how 

terrified

I was to tell others about my diagnosis,

they'd stop portraying people with mental illness as killers. 

Maybe if they realized that you,

OCD,

trap me inside my mind 

and that I am in a constant battle

every 

single 

day 

to not let you control my life,

they would finally 

be quiet

and listen.

You are not a wound 

or a sickness

that I can heal from.

I will never get rid of you.

I will always have to fight 

the anxiety

the fear

the obsessions

the compulsions.

But I will also never

never

give up.

I cannot conquer you

but I can resist you.

I can undermine your control 

over my mind.

And I can use this

to help others know 

that they are never alone.

OCD.

Three small letters.

So unassuming

yet vicious.

Funny how 

they can't stand against

four other small letters:

HOPE.